I am at my multiple relationship crossroads and I have decided to let it go. To let him go. To let us go. Let whatever we were going to be fade into what we call our past and into what we will quickly try to forget about. I will think of it from time-to-time. I will think of HIM from time-to-time...and I will never know if the decision I made to let us go was the right decision. It will be the decision to forever circumvent my brain- but maybe one day- when I have hopefully met my match- these thoughts will go *POOF* and I will never look back. Again, hope is my only sanity.
I am angry with myself for being such a fool. For thinking I had something special with this guy. Actually, we did have something. But we both threw it away. And it's not his fault. Not in one single way. I hope he never feels guilt for this- its my fault. I am with someone else- and I waited too long to make the leap for him. He got impatient and felt like my Plan-B and moved on to make his own plans. And then I went and opened Pandora's box as I playfully asked, "How many ladies since me?" Naive to think the answer would be zero and shocked to hear the truth that he had "relations" (I am channeling Clinton's scandal here as an attempt to be politically correct) with not one...but two other ladies. And not only relations- but relationships. He tried to make a relationship with one of these ladies- though he swears there was nothing there and he couldn't force it- the damage between him and I was done...completed at the very instant he muttered the word, "two".
Not that I have any space here to be upset as I have my own relationship as well. But I was holding out for this guy. Not being physical because it wasn't right. And he wasn't doing the same for me. It makes me feel like a fool for walking around on cloud seven, eight AND nine thinking I had it so good. That we were growing close and blooming a love-- which was quickly tromped on by...well I'm not sure what by...but it has been tromped. Tromped and stomped and I am sad to say, gone.
I am in shutdown mode. I am numb once again to feelings about anything or anyone. The only thing that feels right at this moment is my need to end whatever this man and I were sharing...because it is not the same feeling. It will never be the same feeling. And I do not want to entangle myself in his feelings. I have to let it go. Have to let him go.
It will not make me happy. But it will make him free- and eventually happy. His friends don't approve, his family doesn't approve- I hate that I am proving them right but ending this. I hate it more than anything to give them the satisfaction of knowing they were right. They weren't right. They do not know the feelings I had. Yes it is wrong because I have a significant other already I know that's why they do not approve. It is selfish I know. I hate myself for this. For having no "get out of jail free" card. I have to hurt one of these men. But I wasn't "playing" either as some people like to assume. I am not suave enough for that funny business.
This man that I am letting go- was perfect on paper. Perfect for me. Everything that I want and still want. Maybe letting him go is the best punishment I can give myself for causing this mess. I do not deserve that kind of bliss...not anymore.
