P.S. Eleven years ago today I recieved my first kiss EVER. It was the most perfect kiss. And don't ask how I remember these oddities---I guess I just have a good memory for the very important details of life.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Funkiest of Funks
Help! I'm trapped in a funk and I can't get out. Normally these "funk" moments last maybe a few days until I'm distracted by something and move right along with my life. Not this one. I can't pinpoint the source of my funk--but I think I need a major life change to free myself of this never-ending-bad-mood.
A big source I guarantee is my job. Lately I spend more days annoyed at it than loving it. It's not what I want anymore and even the parts I do like about my job are taking WAY too long to happen. I want the adrenaline rush and the panicked cursing of being in real television production--not the bureaucratic week-long wait to get an office supply order approved for the TV station. Yes the bright side is I'm in TV but there's nowhere to go in this office but where I am. There's no likely promotions or exciting projects or award nominations---heck, I don't even get mentions for what I DO accomplish here. It's a thankless job and though I feel guilty complaining, I know that if I ventured out into the "real" world of TV...AKA Los Angeles...I would really make something of myself. So what am I waiting for??
A sublet.
Yep. I'm tied down in a 12-month lease and unless I can find a sublet I am stuck here. That's not to say I'm stuck here forever. Just until I find a sublet OR until March comes around when I could afford to pay rent on two places if I had to....and also if I STOP shopping.
Another source of my funk is the ever-dying passion of my relationship. I just don't feel any excitement or lust or desire. It's depressing. And he doesn't have the motivation to light the spark. And that's a turn-off. I'm not sure what to do--are we over? Am I sure? I pray a lot for a HUGE OBVIOUS sign about what to do. But that answer has yet to arrive. I hope it works itself out because as mentioned before--I am such a weenie!
And no one likes/loves/wants a weenie-in-a-funk, or is it a funky-weenie? Meh, tomato, tomatoe.
A big source I guarantee is my job. Lately I spend more days annoyed at it than loving it. It's not what I want anymore and even the parts I do like about my job are taking WAY too long to happen. I want the adrenaline rush and the panicked cursing of being in real television production--not the bureaucratic week-long wait to get an office supply order approved for the TV station. Yes the bright side is I'm in TV but there's nowhere to go in this office but where I am. There's no likely promotions or exciting projects or award nominations---heck, I don't even get mentions for what I DO accomplish here. It's a thankless job and though I feel guilty complaining, I know that if I ventured out into the "real" world of TV...AKA Los Angeles...I would really make something of myself. So what am I waiting for??
A sublet.
Yep. I'm tied down in a 12-month lease and unless I can find a sublet I am stuck here. That's not to say I'm stuck here forever. Just until I find a sublet OR until March comes around when I could afford to pay rent on two places if I had to....and also if I STOP shopping.
Another source of my funk is the ever-dying passion of my relationship. I just don't feel any excitement or lust or desire. It's depressing. And he doesn't have the motivation to light the spark. And that's a turn-off. I'm not sure what to do--are we over? Am I sure? I pray a lot for a HUGE OBVIOUS sign about what to do. But that answer has yet to arrive. I hope it works itself out because as mentioned before--I am such a weenie!
And no one likes/loves/wants a weenie-in-a-funk, or is it a funky-weenie? Meh, tomato, tomatoe.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wishes Of A Self-Described Weenie
All week long I've been obsessed in thought about another man. I don't know why I'm suddenly entranced with thoughts and memories of him but it's driving me crazy thinking about this person night and day. My heart tells me he could have been "the one" and that I'm not with the right one right now. My head tells me it's too late and that I'm not even looking for "the one" so I should just stay put. Yet the pull on my heart strings has me wanting to break-the-mold, give it a shot and at least finish this unfinished business....but I'm such a weenie I know I'll never make a move. *sigh*
You see, to dive into this situation means I hurt someone. And that someone has done nothing to deserve the hurt of my selfish urges. Yes, it's my life and I should do what makes me happy and blah, blah, blah, me,me,me but putting yourself first is not always the right choice. I feel a loyalty to this person I am now with--it's not the passionate romantic love that I dream about-- but its a comfortable relationship. To be honest, I'd feel guilty putting myself first and breaking off what we do have. I wish we were more but lately we feel routine.
I just wish these other thoughts would go away or that some sort of sign would appear (and folks, I'm talking HUGE OBVIOUS sign) to make me act upon my hearts desire to free myself and give this a shot.
You see, to dive into this situation means I hurt someone. And that someone has done nothing to deserve the hurt of my selfish urges. Yes, it's my life and I should do what makes me happy and blah, blah, blah, me,me,me but putting yourself first is not always the right choice. I feel a loyalty to this person I am now with--it's not the passionate romantic love that I dream about-- but its a comfortable relationship. To be honest, I'd feel guilty putting myself first and breaking off what we do have. I wish we were more but lately we feel routine.
I just wish these other thoughts would go away or that some sort of sign would appear (and folks, I'm talking HUGE OBVIOUS sign) to make me act upon my hearts desire to free myself and give this a shot.
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