Here is the email I sent to my family yesterday in hopes that they might eventually accept my decision...my Dad is currently driving 5 hours to have a face-to-face chat with me after reading this;
"I wasn’t sure if a phone call or an email would be more appropriate for this conversation- though I would love to tell you this via phone- I felt it might be better for your sake to read this instead so it comes out clearer and so you have time to form a reaction. I am a huge fan of honesty and I did not want to hide this from you, or worse, have you hear it from someone else.
I have always felt that I worked very hard to please my family, sacrificing my happiness at times to make everyone happy, which is what a good person does for their family. I always want to make you proud of me and not ashamed to call me your daughter. I have worked hard to achieve all my goals in life and make you proud but one of these goals, which I will explain here, will definitely cause a stir but as I said, I want to be honest.
As silly or shocking as it may sound, a goal of mine is to be in Playboy. In my opinion, Playboy features beautiful women not in grotesque poses or anything disgusting but, in my opinion, they are tasteful poses/pictures of a woman nude or semi-nude. The body is a beautiful thing in my mind- and contrary to popular American/Victorian cultural beliefs- I have no problem with nudity as long as it is tasteful and not crude. To be included in that group of women I feel would be an honor, it’s the epitome of being a beautiful woman. You can even ask Jillian, her and I have been texting about me posing for Playboy for years now. Though the goal seemed unachievable and I had accepted that it would only be a secret dream of mine never to come to fruition- when Playboy came to WSU to audition girls for their Pac-10 special edition issue in April I thought I at least needed to try out so I can say I gave it a shot. Otherwise I would never know if I could have actually achieved my goal and would forever wonder “What If”. So I tried out.
To my surprise, a few weeks ago I got a phone call that I was selected for the issue. I have spent hours, days, weeks weighing the pros and cons. What this could do to/for my future and if it is the right decision and I have decided that I will pose for Playboy. My biggest concern is my family- as it always is. I am aware that it is likely none of you parental figures approve or are proud of this, as I had hoped you might be. This is a dream of mine, and look, I did it! There are thousands if not hundreds-of-thousands of women who want this and I got the part. Only a few women are selected for each issue each month and they chose me! I am proud of myself for this achievement. I have support from Ande, my friends, my roommate, my mentors and those I confide in, but it is the parental judgment I foresee and that I have already received from Mom, calling me an embarrassment and saying I might get disowned for this by the O’Farrell side, saddens me greatly. I have never known my O’Farrell side to be particularly judgmental or unaccepting but I would do my best to understand my disownment, if this truly were to be the case. This is a dream of mine and to sacrifice it I feel I would forever regret it or hold angst toward the people who took that dream away from me.
I am not asking you to be proud of me, as clearly some of you are not, or even to understand why this would be a dream of someone’s, let alone your own daughter. I am not asking anything of you, just to accept my decision. Ignore it if you wish or reply with whatever you wish to say to me, but I just wanted to be honest with my family. I love you all dearly and I sincerely hope you can live with my decision and not be ashamed to call me family. "
I know they are concerned, disappointed, hurt, upset, lost respect for me, think I am making a HUGE mistake...but I wish they didn't belittle me for the decisions I make.
No comments:
Post a Comment