I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I've spent my life trying to fit in with the stomach quenching feeling that I just don't. No matter how many blissful interactions occur between myself and my family, friends or coworkers...I can't escape the notion that I just don't quite mesh. Am I the only one in the world who feels this way? In some ways, I hope so. In others, I hope not. 

I am riddled with an anxiety that my insecurities are transparent to my external shell. Most of the time I keep it together and play along with whatever the majority rules but some days, like today, I crack under the pressure to be social when (gosh darn it) I just want to go home. 


As I grow older I find myself conflicted with settling for "who I am" OR making changes to be the "best me possible". Society doesn't help with it's conflicting campaigns for both. 

Who am I? What do I want out of life? I feel lost and I feel nothing all at the same time. 


I guess that's the curse of my indecisive nature. I will always play both sides of the fence. I will always question if the other choice would have been better. I will always overanalyze what I've said and think of the dozen ways I could have phrased it better or a clever joke I wish I had thought of fast enough. 

I am a mess. And for the sake of fitting in, I hope I'm not the only one.

Aging Disgracefully

I don't know her anymore. That girl who was first to plan a party and loved to dance the night away with friends, I don't know her. Suddenly I feel like an outside to my own self. 

Who Am I? 

The past few months I've felt like I've had a serious block in my brain, my personality, my life. My creative spark is gone. My zest for life is merely a memory. I can't seem to shake this dullness and I have no idea what it is that's causing this. Sometimes I think it's a depression. Sometimes I think it's my careless partner dragging me down into his dreary abyss. Sometimes I'm convinced it's just that time in life called "getting older".

I don't like my aged-self.  I want my old self back. 

Undesirable Candidate

Is it me? It has to be. 

I've applied for countless jobs and apparently am not right for any of them. I spend hours each week scanning position openings and perfecting my cover letter only to get the same old response: NO. I either do not receive a response or I open my inbox on a gorgeous Friday morning to read an email saying I've been [once again] rejected. There goes my good mood. 

At first it was disappointing but now it's getting depressing. 

I have a University degree and am working toward a second; I have several years of experience in my field PLUS a steady list of employers since 2007...why am I such an undesirable? 

I am unhappy with my current job. I feel stuck here and having no other option doesn't make it much better. These days (and with my control-freak mentality) it's tough (and frankly, stupid) to just pack up my things and move elsewhere, hoping I find something. I am grateful for the opportunities I have at my current workplace, but like all things, we must move on and I feel like it's time.

Apparently my future doesn't. 

The Art of Conversation

The world is full of talkers. They talk about anything and everything (and mostly themselves) and they can talk A LOT. Unfortunately what's been lost in the blah blah of this talking noise is what I'll refer to as, the art of conversation. Rarely do I find a person in my generational category who can carry on a decent conversation and it seems to only be getting worse. (As if that were possible.) These days its all about one-upping one another with a better story than the previous.  Or worse, it's listen to me, me, me talk about me, me, me and all the wonderful, amazing, *insert verb*, things I do. Me, Me, ME! My, my, MY! Blah, blah, BLAH! No questions, no comments- just right on to talking over whoever was brave enough to try and say something. It's a Darwinian-scheme of whoever can talk the loudest and the most, wins and quite frankly I threw in the towel before the starting gun even fired. 

A conversation, per my definition, is a shared discussion. Person A makes a comment where then Person B accepts the comment, adds a sentiment and shares another piece of commentary thereby passing the conversation back to Person A and repeat. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary backs my ideas about conversation  with it's definition: (1): an oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas. Please note the word "exchange"; i.e. share. Passing the conversation back and forth and round and round we go. This my friends, is where my generation has completely missed it. We're not exchanging anything anymore, we're simply talking for the sake of warding off silence. 

Is silence our forbidden fruit? Because to be honest, I savor every moment of silence I can get in this busy, buzzing world and I suggest you do the same. 

To continue my point (and also negate it somewhat (...the irony)); I often find myself completely zoning out the majority of what someone is saying once it goes past my 30-second listening limit. I only offer the obligatory "oh"'s and "uh huh"'s to fake the person into believing I actually care what they're saying. And it's not that I'm above it....I just have no interest in whatever words you are throwing at me just to prove you know how to use words...and lots of them. 

My point is, if I'm zoning out on someone else's monologue then most certainly they are zoning out on mine. Why not just save everyone some time (and boredom) and just savor the silence.