I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I've spent my life trying to fit in with the stomach quenching feeling that I just don't. No matter how many blissful interactions occur between myself and my family, friends or coworkers...I can't escape the notion that I just don't quite mesh. Am I the only one in the world who feels this way? In some ways, I hope so. In others, I hope not. 

I am riddled with an anxiety that my insecurities are transparent to my external shell. Most of the time I keep it together and play along with whatever the majority rules but some days, like today, I crack under the pressure to be social when (gosh darn it) I just want to go home. 


As I grow older I find myself conflicted with settling for "who I am" OR making changes to be the "best me possible". Society doesn't help with it's conflicting campaigns for both. 

Who am I? What do I want out of life? I feel lost and I feel nothing all at the same time. 


I guess that's the curse of my indecisive nature. I will always play both sides of the fence. I will always question if the other choice would have been better. I will always overanalyze what I've said and think of the dozen ways I could have phrased it better or a clever joke I wish I had thought of fast enough. 

I am a mess. And for the sake of fitting in, I hope I'm not the only one.

Aging Disgracefully

I don't know her anymore. That girl who was first to plan a party and loved to dance the night away with friends, I don't know her. Suddenly I feel like an outside to my own self. 

Who Am I? 

The past few months I've felt like I've had a serious block in my brain, my personality, my life. My creative spark is gone. My zest for life is merely a memory. I can't seem to shake this dullness and I have no idea what it is that's causing this. Sometimes I think it's a depression. Sometimes I think it's my careless partner dragging me down into his dreary abyss. Sometimes I'm convinced it's just that time in life called "getting older".

I don't like my aged-self.  I want my old self back.