my failed but honest attempt to explain...

Here is the email I sent to my family yesterday in hopes that they might eventually accept my decision...my Dad is currently driving 5 hours to have a face-to-face chat with me after reading this;

"I wasn’t sure if a phone call or an email would be more appropriate for this conversation- though I would love to tell you this via phone- I felt it might be better for your sake to read this instead so it comes out clearer and so you have time to form a reaction. I am a huge fan of honesty and I did not want to hide this from you, or worse, have you hear it from someone else.

I have always felt that I worked very hard to please my family, sacrificing my happiness at times to make everyone happy, which is what a good person does for their family. I always want to make you proud of me and not ashamed to call me your daughter. I have worked hard to achieve all my goals in life and make you proud but one of these goals, which I will explain here, will definitely cause a stir but as I said, I want to be honest.

As silly or shocking as it may sound, a goal of mine is to be in Playboy. In my opinion, Playboy features beautiful women not in grotesque poses or anything disgusting but, in my opinion, they are tasteful poses/pictures of a woman nude or semi-nude. The body is a beautiful thing in my mind- and contrary to popular American/Victorian cultural beliefs- I have no problem with nudity as long as it is tasteful and not crude. To be included in that group of women I feel would be an honor, it’s the epitome of being a beautiful woman. You can even ask Jillian, her and I have been texting about me posing for Playboy for years now. Though the goal seemed unachievable and I had accepted that it would only be a secret dream of mine never to come to fruition- when Playboy came to WSU to audition girls for their Pac-10 special edition issue in April I thought I at least needed to try out so I can say I gave it a shot. Otherwise I would never know if I could have actually achieved my goal and would forever wonder “What If”. So I tried out.

To my surprise, a few weeks ago I got a phone call that I was selected for the issue. I have spent hours, days, weeks weighing the pros and cons. What this could do to/for my future and if it is the right decision and I have decided that I will pose for Playboy. My biggest concern is my family- as it always is. I am aware that it is likely none of you parental figures approve or are proud of this, as I had hoped you might be. This is a dream of mine, and look, I did it! There are thousands if not hundreds-of-thousands of women who want this and I got the part. Only a few women are selected for each issue each month and they chose me! I am proud of myself for this achievement. I have support from Ande, my friends, my roommate, my mentors and those I confide in, but it is the parental judgment I foresee and that I have already received from Mom, calling me an embarrassment and saying I might get disowned for this by the O’Farrell side, saddens me greatly. I have never known my O’Farrell side to be particularly judgmental or unaccepting but I would do my best to understand my disownment, if this truly were to be the case. This is a dream of mine and to sacrifice it I feel I would forever regret it or hold angst toward the people who took that dream away from me.

I am not asking you to be proud of me, as clearly some of you are not, or even to understand why this would be a dream of someone’s, let alone your own daughter. I am not asking anything of you, just to accept my decision. Ignore it if you wish or reply with whatever you wish to say to me, but I just wanted to be honest with my family. I love you all dearly and I sincerely hope you can live with my decision and not be ashamed to call me family. "

I know they are concerned, disappointed, hurt, upset, lost respect for me, think I am making a HUGE mistake...but I wish they didn't belittle me for the decisions I make.

Bunny Blues...

I hope what I share here is not too personal or too liberal for your taste- but this is MY blog, my thoughts, my opinions- I am well aware there is always a flurry of disagreement in the world. However, please do not scorn me for my choices/potential choices...I have already been burned for this matter but now I seek a release for the pain I am feeling and writing is my chosen outlet. Please just read and digest my point-o'view.

Last month, Playboy magazine was in town to audition college ladies to be in their upcoming speical edition. For several years now I thought it would be somewhat of an honor to be in the magazine which features beautiful women. In my opinion, it is not grotesque or pornographic but rather beautiful, posed, classy (if you will) pictures of nude women. I don't really have a problem with it- but nakedness isn't a huge deal to me as long as its tasteful.

In all honesty I have spent the past several cable bills watching (and DVR-ing) episodes of "The Girls Next Door" and "Kendra". I admire their success. Not idol worship by any means- but in my opinion- they are beautiful women who have made a great success on their looks and talents, please note that while yes they are beautiful, the fact that they've cashed in on this feature also tells me they are smart...I have longed to be similar to these ladies for quite some time. And I did think I had at least a decent shot at this magazine audition. Here's my reasoning: I think I am a beautiful person. Not in the conceited sorority ditzy girl way- I pride myself for not being a self-absorbed woman. I still need confidence boosts from my boyfriend. I appreciate compliments I receive from other and am careful to not let them go to my head so I DON'T end up like one of "those" girls. I work hard for my success. I feel this makes me the perfect candidate to be a "Bunny"....so I auditioned.

To my surprise- I got a call that I was selected to represent my University in Playboy. The photoshoot is next month. I was overjoyed- but the negative reactions from my Mother worried sick that my future will be destroyed by this has me thinking twice- and I haven't even told my Dad yet...she fears for my future opportunities, if I enter politics it will ruin me (which really isn't my plan at the moment though I have a keen interest in the political sphere). That this decision will follow me (not only follow, but haunt me) forever, impact jobs, people I date, hurt my family/embarrass them/have me disinherited...

I was hoping for a more proud/thrilled reaction than what I got. It is certainly not the reactions from parents that is displayed on the E Hollywood Story of these women who also were selected to be in the publication. Apparently I would be an embarrassment to the family--but this is something that I have wanted to do for sometime now- and here it is, in my lap- its become a reality and my family is not/will not be happy for me about it. I always try to make my family proud and this opportunity appears as it will shame them and its a little hard for me to grasp that concept.

I am almost 23-years-old, a bonified adult- but my family still holds a firm grasp over my head. Not in the way you likely picture- no, they do not pay my rent or my bills and no, I do not have a credit card that Daddy pays off for me every month. I am self-supporting. But I still require the support of my family emotionally.

I am not sure if it is best to sacrifice something I think is great and an honor for my families sake...or to sacrifice my families respect for me to pursue a dream of mine. I think this opportunity will not haunt me or ruin me but instead give me a great networking opportunity in the entertainment industry- but if it ruins my family relationships...I am stuck comtemplating its worth in the long-run.