Humble Friday

I found myself thumbing through memory lane this evening as I organized photos from years gone by. The memories and curiosity led me on a massive online hunt for two friends I haven't seen or spoken to in about twenty years.

The first, my best/only real friend from kindergarden through maybe a few years of grade school (...the timeline is foggy). We weren't in the same class but we lived near each other and we'd often get together with our dad's for fun weekend outings.

The second, my best friend from middle school. We had a lot of fun and got into a little trouble together as we sorted our way through puberty. I admired her and looking back; I was definietly her awkward sidekick, though I didn't feel like it at the time. She was beautiful and cool and all the boys like her, plus she shopped at places like Nordstrom and always had the best name brands of clothing and shoes.

With a few memories like parent names and the area they lived - oh, and the Nexis account I still have access to for another week, I set out to track them down! My search results were limited...both women have all but zero existence on the internet and social media sites, google, linkedin, etc. This instantly had me thinking, "Was it me?" followed shortly after by, "No personal information available online, how DO you do that?!".

The few facts I was able to uncover saddened me greatly. I have no idea where or what my kindergarden pal is up to now but I did find that her mother passed away in 2005. One year before my friend would have graduated high school. My middle school friend has a mug shot listed with a few arrest records for multiple possessions of a controlled substance and DUI's. I don't know what happened to these women, but I hope they are OK.

I can't help but feel guilty that despite all the circumstances, the scenarios, the accusations whispered from others that I was the bad influence because I came from a broken home and the doubt placed upon my mother that her children would never amount to anything because we are "products of divorce"; how did I make the cut?

How am I the one that is OK?

It's an aha moment, that's for sure. I am so lucky. So blessed. So amazed that I somehow turned out OK- more than OK. I called my mother to ask her how we got so lucky...prayer, she said. I am so humbled the Lord protected me from what could have been. I don't deserve this good fortune but I am so grateful for the honor.

The Friend Fight

Last night we got into a fight. I instigated, he withdrew. And now I find I'm more confused about this relationship than ever before. We're changing, or at least one of us is. I'm not sure about us anymore...but to be fair, I was never sure about us. And I don't know how he feels because he is an empty heart.

It's funny I get upset with him for not being an open and honest book to those around him when here I am, keeping my feelings hidden from view because I don't think he'd understand and I'm scared to take the chance. 

The Dilemma: He's not the man he advertised himself to be and I'm not willing to settle for who he is now. 

I believe a man; a partner...should be connected in a way no friend or foe can break through or take away from. Last night I was shown I am not with THAT partner. Instead I am with a man...a boy really, who would prefer to make a mockery of my feelings with our mutual friends. That hurt. It hurt that he threw me under the bus and it hurt more to see the text messages and laughing at my expense. Mutual friend no more. 

I feel betrayed, ridiculed, sad, confused.
I can't wait until these feelings pass and I feel nothing. 

Confessions Of An Introvert

I was invited to dinner tonight but I said, "No, thank you" and then I have the nerve to come home, turn on some sad music and feel sorry for myself. I realize now this depression is a product of my own creation...but I can't help myself. 

It's odd how you can feel yourself slip in and out of moods. I feel myself diving into a sad puddle of solidarity and while I like to tell myself I should shake it off and be happy, there's something about going to a deep, dark place that I secretly revel in. It's me being 100% with me and it gives me a moment to think and be who I am verses who I think I am and who I think I need to be. 

Truth: I don't where where all my friends went. 
Honest Truth: I thought I was a social butterfly but come to think of it, I'm in bed by 9 and I'm probably not that much fun to be around anymore. 

Communication between one group of friends is almost entirely via my boyfriend. They are the sports watching, beer drinking lot that I enjoy...but not for every sporting event known to man! Communication with my old gang of friends from home has been interrupted by a continued (and seemingly never-ending!!) flow of children and marriages and lives that I simply can't identify with. I struggle to find things to talk about and can't stand when their children interrupt our conversations. (RUDE!) Work friends don't count, they're like family...kind of forced upon you. Not that I'm complaining, I enjoy most everyone at work and in my family. 

I don't get invited to many things anymore...and I don't blame anyone because after all, it's ME who's denying dinners and outings left and right. I wouldn't ask myself to go anywhere either. Part of my reasoning for the denial is I'm feeling broke...four hundred something bucks a week is tough to hang on to in this city of exorbitant monthly rent and bills. The other part is, I'm lazy. I'm tired after a 10-hour workday and don't have the energy most nights to do anything but feed my cat. I am the oldest 25-year-old I know. And yes, I do watch Jeopardy when I'm home in time to do so. 

....to be continued. It's sweatpants time. 

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I've spent my life trying to fit in with the stomach quenching feeling that I just don't. No matter how many blissful interactions occur between myself and my family, friends or coworkers...I can't escape the notion that I just don't quite mesh. Am I the only one in the world who feels this way? In some ways, I hope so. In others, I hope not. 

I am riddled with an anxiety that my insecurities are transparent to my external shell. Most of the time I keep it together and play along with whatever the majority rules but some days, like today, I crack under the pressure to be social when (gosh darn it) I just want to go home. 


As I grow older I find myself conflicted with settling for "who I am" OR making changes to be the "best me possible". Society doesn't help with it's conflicting campaigns for both. 

Who am I? What do I want out of life? I feel lost and I feel nothing all at the same time. 


I guess that's the curse of my indecisive nature. I will always play both sides of the fence. I will always question if the other choice would have been better. I will always overanalyze what I've said and think of the dozen ways I could have phrased it better or a clever joke I wish I had thought of fast enough. 

I am a mess. And for the sake of fitting in, I hope I'm not the only one.

Aging Disgracefully

I don't know her anymore. That girl who was first to plan a party and loved to dance the night away with friends, I don't know her. Suddenly I feel like an outside to my own self. 

Who Am I? 

The past few months I've felt like I've had a serious block in my brain, my personality, my life. My creative spark is gone. My zest for life is merely a memory. I can't seem to shake this dullness and I have no idea what it is that's causing this. Sometimes I think it's a depression. Sometimes I think it's my careless partner dragging me down into his dreary abyss. Sometimes I'm convinced it's just that time in life called "getting older".

I don't like my aged-self.  I want my old self back. 

Undesirable Candidate

Is it me? It has to be. 

I've applied for countless jobs and apparently am not right for any of them. I spend hours each week scanning position openings and perfecting my cover letter only to get the same old response: NO. I either do not receive a response or I open my inbox on a gorgeous Friday morning to read an email saying I've been [once again] rejected. There goes my good mood. 

At first it was disappointing but now it's getting depressing. 

I have a University degree and am working toward a second; I have several years of experience in my field PLUS a steady list of employers since 2007...why am I such an undesirable? 

I am unhappy with my current job. I feel stuck here and having no other option doesn't make it much better. These days (and with my control-freak mentality) it's tough (and frankly, stupid) to just pack up my things and move elsewhere, hoping I find something. I am grateful for the opportunities I have at my current workplace, but like all things, we must move on and I feel like it's time.

Apparently my future doesn't. 

The Art of Conversation

The world is full of talkers. They talk about anything and everything (and mostly themselves) and they can talk A LOT. Unfortunately what's been lost in the blah blah of this talking noise is what I'll refer to as, the art of conversation. Rarely do I find a person in my generational category who can carry on a decent conversation and it seems to only be getting worse. (As if that were possible.) These days its all about one-upping one another with a better story than the previous.  Or worse, it's listen to me, me, me talk about me, me, me and all the wonderful, amazing, *insert verb*, things I do. Me, Me, ME! My, my, MY! Blah, blah, BLAH! No questions, no comments- just right on to talking over whoever was brave enough to try and say something. It's a Darwinian-scheme of whoever can talk the loudest and the most, wins and quite frankly I threw in the towel before the starting gun even fired. 

A conversation, per my definition, is a shared discussion. Person A makes a comment where then Person B accepts the comment, adds a sentiment and shares another piece of commentary thereby passing the conversation back to Person A and repeat. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary backs my ideas about conversation  with it's definition: (1): an oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas. Please note the word "exchange"; i.e. share. Passing the conversation back and forth and round and round we go. This my friends, is where my generation has completely missed it. We're not exchanging anything anymore, we're simply talking for the sake of warding off silence. 

Is silence our forbidden fruit? Because to be honest, I savor every moment of silence I can get in this busy, buzzing world and I suggest you do the same. 

To continue my point (and also negate it somewhat (...the irony)); I often find myself completely zoning out the majority of what someone is saying once it goes past my 30-second listening limit. I only offer the obligatory "oh"'s and "uh huh"'s to fake the person into believing I actually care what they're saying. And it's not that I'm above it....I just have no interest in whatever words you are throwing at me just to prove you know how to use words...and lots of them. 

My point is, if I'm zoning out on someone else's monologue then most certainly they are zoning out on mine. Why not just save everyone some time (and boredom) and just savor the silence.