My Battle Ground

Last weekend I attended the wedding of a former-roomie. She married my Ex-boyfriends-best-friend so mutual friends were at the wedding including my Ex and his new girlfriend. I wanted to look stunning (obviously) so many outfits were packed and makeup was done by a fabulous friend...best friend to be exact. I'd felt nervous for weeks leading up to the wedding due to the fact my ex and his girlfriend would be there and also that I was expecting the ex's family to be there as well...and they HATE me. It's a looooong story but pretty much it's always awkward when we're in the same vicinity. I'd tried to convince myself it would be fine and that I should just be super friendly and classy and it would all work out.

It kind of did work out but with one very disappointing outcome...with more to follow.

My boyfriend and I arrived at the wedding and said hello to those we knew. My ex was part of they wedding party and was busy taking photos with the group so we only gave a nod hello from across the gardens. His new girlfriend hadn't yet arrived so I was slightly at ease. The girlfriend arrived just before the wedding was to begin and since we all have mutual friends I introduced myself to her and she seemed nice enough...even complimented my (borrowed) dress. I went to be seated and enjoyed the wedding assuming the reception would be relaxed and that my boyfriend and I could go say hello to the Ex and his gf. NOPE.

The gf must have worked tirelessly to keep my Ex as far away from me as possible because I never saw them closer than 20 feet from wherever I was at any given time. I only wanted to say hello and wish them well but I never got the chance. Shortly before we left my boyfriend pulled me aside and said he had spoken to my ex and my ex said saying hello would not be an option because of his girlfriends demands. That was really disappointing to hear. I even tried to give him a quick high-five just to signal "hey, we're cool" and he said, "I can't, I can't.". Wow. Not even a walk-by-high-five?

Aside from the fact his girlfriend has some immaturity issues (we haven't dated for 5+ years...not like I was trying to have some deep private conversation or steal him away. I have my own boyfriend!) the fact that I couldn't say hello was very upsetting to me. And the more I thought about it, the more upset I became.

This was the first man I ever dated, kissed, loved, etc. He was a huge part of my life, a special part of my life and even though we no longer have feelings toward one another--I will always wish the best for him.

But I'm not even allowed to say hello.

To make me feel even more like a bastard child; I wrote on a mutual friends Facebook wall about how it was nice to see him and meet his fiance at the wedding and that if my boyfriend and I move near where they are we will have to get in touch...only to find that seconds later it was deleted.

I see where the loyalties lie....but I'm not even allowed to say hello?

Karma's Loop

The other day I discovered a former nemesis of mine is pregnant. I admit the first thought I had about it was "hip-hip-hooray!" but more in a that's karma for you way than an I'm so happy for her way.  I feel the same about a high school nemesis who is STILL in college while I graduated two years ago.

For all the disclosed and undisclosed pain they put me through it was nice to see that my life choices led to success while their life choices landed them in stupid places. Pregnant at 24 and still flunking classes. It makes me feel good. Like my sweet silent revenge has finally arrived! (insert evil laugh)

But now that I am in Betty-Crocker-Mode (I seriously just baked three pies) I am in a motherly sense to believe that they are truly happy about the choices they've made that have landed them A. pregnant and B. still in school. I wonder if they've ever second guessed their situation or if they've just taken it in stride and continued to be happy about their choices.

Its funny how my perspective of the matter equals awesome revenge while their perspective of the matter is probably nothing more than just a piece of their life puzzle. And you know what? I don't mind if they are happy about their choices. The way I see it, as long as we can all find happiness (and maybe a satisfied giggle) in the matter, then karma has done her job. Full circle.

Definitions

Does anyone else ever have that feeling of not-quite-fitting-in? Because I have it all the time. For the most part I find I feel this way when I'm out with friends in some sort of social setting. (Wait, isn't that when you're supposed to feel totally "fit-in"??) I'm not sure why it happens in that circumstance but there I'll be; surrounded by friends, music blaring, drink in hand, people being social  and for some reason I'm sitting silently and in deep-thought thinking "I don't belong here." What a buzz kill.

I gave some thought yesterday as to why  I feel I don't fit in and its come down to this: I don't fit in because I don't know who I am. And I don't know who I am because I'm constantly adapting to situations. To avoid sounding like a total philosopher I'll admit I can give a generic explanation of who I am in terms of my job, my interests, favorite songs, ideal man...but do those material dressings really explain who I am? I mean, shouldn't there be some "deeper" me? And if there is, how do I find her?

I decided perhaps if I could truly define myself then I would know where I fit in and with whom I fit in. Or even just feel more comfortable as to where I am and with whom I am right now.

Attempt one at defining my true self: I am........hmm.....confused.  

With the constant surge of do-this and do-that and be-this and have-that I find I am so distracted by the notions flying at me (and the rush to adapt to them) that I haven't had the time to sort out one from the other. I blend like a gecko to my surroundings thinking that if my friends fit in, then I should  fit-in too...but somehow I always end up silent at a table over thinking myself and where I belong. Why?

Is this another riddle that was left out of my "Now That You're An Adult" handbook? How can we define our true selves, if our external self is always changing? And if it it the material assets that define us, then I'd like an upgrade.