Definitions

Does anyone else ever have that feeling of not-quite-fitting-in? Because I have it all the time. For the most part I find I feel this way when I'm out with friends in some sort of social setting. (Wait, isn't that when you're supposed to feel totally "fit-in"??) I'm not sure why it happens in that circumstance but there I'll be; surrounded by friends, music blaring, drink in hand, people being social  and for some reason I'm sitting silently and in deep-thought thinking "I don't belong here." What a buzz kill.

I gave some thought yesterday as to why  I feel I don't fit in and its come down to this: I don't fit in because I don't know who I am. And I don't know who I am because I'm constantly adapting to situations. To avoid sounding like a total philosopher I'll admit I can give a generic explanation of who I am in terms of my job, my interests, favorite songs, ideal man...but do those material dressings really explain who I am? I mean, shouldn't there be some "deeper" me? And if there is, how do I find her?

I decided perhaps if I could truly define myself then I would know where I fit in and with whom I fit in. Or even just feel more comfortable as to where I am and with whom I am right now.

Attempt one at defining my true self: I am........hmm.....confused.  

With the constant surge of do-this and do-that and be-this and have-that I find I am so distracted by the notions flying at me (and the rush to adapt to them) that I haven't had the time to sort out one from the other. I blend like a gecko to my surroundings thinking that if my friends fit in, then I should  fit-in too...but somehow I always end up silent at a table over thinking myself and where I belong. Why?

Is this another riddle that was left out of my "Now That You're An Adult" handbook? How can we define our true selves, if our external self is always changing? And if it it the material assets that define us, then I'd like an upgrade.