Nothing to hide but Myself

I'm dying to socially post something about my weekend but the main person I want to post about has access to my social networking so this is my only chance to vent. I've been waiting over 24-hours to let it out and let it go so here I go...bare with me.

I don't know how much inside info on the fam I've let air out on here but for backgrounds sake I will say I have a much younger half-brother who is a product of my father's second marriage to my step-monster. In the past I always got along with her and everyone on that side of the family...I do recall quietly accepting her rude commentary and ridiculously frank opinions but we never had issues until I was just about out of University and hitting my stride as an adult. I don't think it's jealousy or competition (which according to my Mom it is) but lately every chance this woman has to bash or hurt me in someway, she does it. And I'm tired of letting it affect me so terribly.

Little brother is currently on summer vacation and being the moody tween that he is, he's constantly mouthing off about being bored. You did it, I did it and now he's doing it. It's the summer vacation circle of life...and I miss it!! Anyway, it was suggested little bro come spend some quality bonding time with me in the super dooper boring town I call home. It was all coming together until a few hours later when step-monster says: "If he's going to come visit you I need to know if you're living with your boyfriend because then he's NOT coming." Not ever being one to hide the fact I calming said, "Well we live together." And she abruptly replies," Well then he's not going." Understandingly confused I asked why and she shot back, "Because you're not married so I don't want him at your house!"

Well heaven forbid I be unmarried at age 23. What the heck. It wasn't so much the reasoning that shocked me (though I'll explain why it kind of did) rather it was the tone of judgment and disapproval that made me suddenly feel like a leper. I understand she's trying to raise him to be a nice conservative boy with family values, etc....but hiding your own family's lifestyles from him seems so wrong. What's so wrong with me living with a boyfriend that I've been seriously dating for 3-years? I'm in a healthy and progressing relationship but feel I'm too young to be married. Why is that so forbidden? Furthermore, part of her justification was "Because he's 12!". Well here's a fun fact....I was 7-years-old when SHE moved in with my Dad BEFORE they were married. Hypocrite much?

It seems to me they were the ones to make the impression on me (via THEIR pre-marriage living situation) that it was acceptable to live with someone before marriage and now here I am being punished (via not being able to have my brother come visit my home) for living the way they taught me was OK to live in the first place.

My New House is Not A Home.

Call me sentimental but I'm getting a little emotional about moving out of my beloved C-304. I spent my entire collegiate career in this apartment and pretty much every great memory I have about college starts or ends with my apartment. A great prefunk, a great after-party, maybe just a great party in general. There's so many happy memories in this 720 square foot unit...I don't want to leave a single one of them behind.

It was my first apartment. My first go-around at adulthood with bills to pay and dishes to do. It's the first place I got to decorate however I wanted and avoid taking out the recycling however long I wanted. It's where boyfriend and I first kissed (etcettera, etcettera). It's where I first lived with a boyfriend. It's where I made jello-shots for the first time and played beer pong on a camping table we'd set up in the carpeted living room. (Somehow we avoided mega carpet damage...thank you cheap clear beer!!) It's where I made the bestest friend out of a roommate I barely knew from high school. And its the first spacial area to make me cry...*happening right now*.

The days of swapping clothes with my same size roomie are long gone but I still miss them. Four inch height difference but somehow the same exact size and length in clothing. (Worked for me so I guess I won't worry about it.) The weeknights of random theme parties like A-B-C (Anything But Clothes) and making amazing 6-hour playlists have also surrendered to better days but every time I walked into my apartment I had those memories and knew this was a happy place to call home.

Packing up and moving out of here just doesn't feel right. And I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I hate change, especially big change that you can't turn back. Maybe it's because I just signed a year-long lease not knowing if I'll be in this town for that long. *Gulp* Maybe it's because I wrote a $1329 check for the new place, again not knowing if I'd actually be here that long. *Double Gulp*

I'm sure it's a mix of all of the above but also because as I said before, there's so many happy memories in my apartment I worry this new apartment might not ever feel like the happy home called C-304. 

Apartment Finder

I am officially homeless come August 1st and it's because I missed my window of opportunity by 26-hours.  Zoinks!!

It all started in March when my apartment landlord asked if I would be renewing my lease which is set to expire at the end of July. At that moment in time I was set on getting out of this town so I checked the "No" box in the renewal form. Flash forward 3-months and here I have finally come to the satisfied conclusion that I will stay and it's too late.

When I inquired about indeed renewing my lease my landlord said "No" because she had rented out my apartment at 2p the day before. I kindly asked if these new renters could be moved to another available unit thus allowing me to stay in my unit and again the answer was "No". Personally I think that its silly a business is willing to swap one (loyal 4 year) resident for another renter when they could have BOTH renters and twice the money. All they'd need to do is move these new renters into the Q Unit, not me like I was offered. Technically I could stay in the same complex but if I have to move I might as well make good on the U-Haul rental and find a better complex to move to whether it be across the street or across the town....but I'm certainly not renting a U-Haul to move across the parking lot. Sheesh.

I'd like to move-it, move-it...but I'm scared.

It used to be one would get hired for an employment position and then move to wherever that employment position was. Now it seems we must find (or settle for) a position in the location where we a.) Currently reside or b.) Currently want to reside so we move there in hopes of also finding a job there. It’s almost as if the, “If you build it, he will come” quotation has been reversed, polished and updated to say, “If you move it, jobs will come”. I was quite happy with the way it was thank you.

My problem with today’s reality is that I’m simply not brave enough to pack up, move, make a deposit and sign a 6-month lease and then cross-my-fingers something comes along to pay the 6-month rent. I need more assurance than that cross-my-fingers mumbo jumbo people rely on. Seriously, how do you people do it so carefree?

Perhaps this “weenie-ism” makes this next revelation so sadly true. I am staying at my current job for another mmmm 6-months at the minimum mostly because I have no other solid options. I’m also staying because I’m too scared to quit and hope something better comes along. Thirdly I’m staying because I know a job with benefits, vacation days, sick days and superiors being chill about me taking days off pretty much whenever I choose does not come along everyday. I need to realize that although my location is not ideal (and here I thought it was all about LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION) I have it pretty good.

I also need to reflect on an import statement my off-color mentor slipped to me just the other day. “Don’t just move for movings sake.” And you know he’s 100% correct. I’ve been complaining and wanting to move for longer than I care to remember but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of the matter, I’ve been wanting to move for movings sake.  Though I say I am “done” with this town and would LOVE to live, work and play in a big city where I can wear heels without judgment; I need to sit back and appreciate what I have…for now. (My heels are waiting patiently in their designated closet space.) 

A Mantra Moment

Last night boyfriend and I went for a walk. It was nice to get out of the house, away from the TV and the cell phones and the technological distractions and just walk with one another in nature. We talked a bit about life and decisions people around us are making. Specifically the choice, or non-choice, of having kids and getting married. I can't tell you how many people I've heard say something to the likes of, "We weren't planning to have kids but it just kind of happened." I call bullshit. There's no way pregnancy just "kind of happens". Have you seen the perfect timing it takes to create a child? The creation of life is just shy of a miracle and there are multiple ways to prevent it. I honestly can't stand it when people say, "I just figured if it happened, it happened". NO! That's not how it goes. If you're not doing anything to prevent a pregnancy than you clearly were letting it happen.

This notion lead me to the conclusion that some people just let life happen while some people go and make life happen.

I am the type to make life happen. I am in (almost) full control of my life and the direction I chose for it to go. While not always happy with the choices I make, I take full responsibility for the outcome instead of the "if it happens, it happens" route.  Some people do take the sit back and see what happens approach and to be honest, I'm not sure the payout of that route is that spectacular.  Also, I am way to organized and anal to ever let something be unplanned.

But seriously, what's the motive to just let life happen as you float through it? It's it sheer laziness? It is denial that you can't indeed take control of your life? This is the one and only life we get (on this Earth) and I don't intend to "go with the flow". I  take life by the horns and make the most of it because if I don't I'll forever regret the opportunities I didn't take advantage of.

So the question remains: to let life happen or to make life happen.
What kind of life will you choose to live?

World, Hold On

I'm back from my European adventure. Full of life, full of appreciation for our world and ready to see what's next. The trip was amazing and I'll be posting about some insights I had along the way. In the meantime, enjoy my favorite new jam!