Texts From Last Night

Isn't family supposed to support all that you do? Love you no matter what? And no matter how neurotic we may become its family that is obligated to have your back- right?? Apparently my step mother missed the "How to be a Family" guide...

It really hurts me to have to defend my choices to my family. I am 22-years-old, not married, no kids, graduated early, no obscure piercings and yet my family (i.e. STEP Mom) still doubt my decision making abilities?? Such bullshit. And now I am being semi-threatened that my little brother won't get to visit me if I move to a place where I have been wanting to move for a few years now. I did not pack up and move there with the east wind- I have taken a few years and I still want to move there so I think that was pretty damn responsible of me.

Check out this text conversation that broke me down completely after a very long day...I am such a cry baby.

Step Mom: By the way, hated Vegas, cannot stand that many low self-esteem, stupid people all at one time. Sorry but, YUCK!

Girl On The Verge: Well you can just send Sean down to visit me then! :-) Or did he not like it?

Step Mom: Never happen. Your bro said, and I quote, these girls sure don't think much of themselves. U would take a huge plunge off his mountain of perfection.

Girl On The Verge: haha. Well- it's where I'd like to be so he'll just have to love me despite my habitat choices.

Step Mom: Why there? Just curious. and he will love you no matter what.

Girl On The Verge: just something on my to-do list I guess...just really want to be there now while I am young and I can.

Step Mom: Seems like it could lose its appeal pretty quick. Imagine it is a whole lot harder to get out of there than get in.

Girl On The Verge: Well I'm pretty set on giving it a try.

Step Mom: Honey loving you has nothing to do with agreeing with you. Live your life. We'll deal.

Girl On The Verge: I will- just sucks to get belittled by family...or feel belittled.

Step Monster: Never the intention and I think you know I would never do that to you.

Girl On The Verge: Yes. but I mean- i"m not married- have no kids or obscure piercings- I think for a 22-year-old I've made some decent decisions so I don't think I'm too far off with where I'd like to go next. I'm willing to move anywhere but if no job offer by June then I'm heading to Vegas so at least I have a plan for myself and don't get stuck here.

Step Monster: again, we don't have to agree with you to love you. is that belittling? No. Do we think Vegas is a good choice? No. But, you are an adult and you get to make your own choices. pretty straight deal here. You do what you want. WE get to decide to expose Sean to what is appropriate. Easy squeezy.

Girl On The Verge: Cool.


The "WE" bullshit really riled me up. My dad has NEVER said he doesn't agree with any choice I have ever made...and if he does and didn't say anything than that is between him and me and our non-existent relationship that she doesn't need to get into. If it weren't for my little brother who I love dearly- I would leave that half of my family and say to hell with them. Seventeen years of this hearing her opinions...so over it.

And so wrong to shelter your son from your own family- we are not crazies. I am not going to Vegas to become a stripper and get a cocaine addiction. I am a responsible adult who yes, lets loose every once in a while but not THAT loose. Give me a break. If my brother came to visit it's not like I'd take him to the clubs...get real.

It saddens me that my older homosexual brother is not allowed to be himself around my little brother because heaven forbid my little brother see a gay person. And now he will not get to see where his big sister lives because heaven forbid there are some casinos and nightclubs there. So sad. So wrong. So HER.

music is my drug of choice.

Music. I love it. Makes or breaks my mood and takes me to that next level of deep thinking or to my next bad dance move.

Seriously contemplating working the street corners...

After spending weeks, days, hours searching for my next career I am now seriously contemplating adding "Pimp" to my potential employers search. I have gone from producer, to production assistant to intern to personal assistant job postings with NO luck and am now just about ready to stoop to the level of finding myself a pimp. Sure he gets a cut of the profits but isn't that just like taxes that would get taken from an ordinary paycheck?

Other requirements/benefits of this job potentially include: working late hours but getting to sleep in, wearing faux fur AND pleather in the same outfit and not getting judged for it, riding around in fancy Cadillac's...really this job isn't sounding so bad. If you can set aside the dirtiness of it all I would say this could be not only a job, but a career! JOKING.

I am starting to get very frustrated with this whole, "not finding a job", thing. Here comes my vanity in 3...2...1...I have never interviewed for a job and not gotten it. OK scratch that- there was the camp counselor job I didn't get offered but aside from that- I have had fairly good luck landing the job. I do not think it is because I am unqualified, or do not have enough experience for my field because as a recent graduate I have more experience than any other recent graduates I know. It must be all those people ahead of me in life who have also found themselves looking for a job...I do feel bad for everyone who is struggling but dag nabbit- I want a job too! So I have to be a little selfish here I guess.

I do not know what the deal is...is my resume unorganized? Are my cover letters cheesy? I just do not understand...and I am starting to lose my patience and am about ready to give up and get some demanding sales job that I will hate after two months. No-No...wait- I will NOT give up. I will just complain a lot to myself and let my frustration simmer and spew in the form of a blog. And then I will pray- and hopefully someone will take a serious look at my qualifications and give me a chance before I turn to the street corners in search of a pimp.

Or before I go to my emergency backup option: Marry rich.

My Mirage

I am fortunate enough to be employed until the end of this June...will my employer renew my contract? No idea. Will I accept it? Hope not.

I hate that I love the security of having a job and I can only hope by the end of June I will have zero qualms about packing up my belongings-including my very obese cat- and just moving somewhere I want to be. Its been Las Vegas for quite awhile-two years- I think its a must. I just need to go there for one year and see what happens. Its the magic and the mystery of Vegas that draws me- I love the energy there- and I think I could be happy living there, performing some job on the strip (but not THAT kind of job). Maybe it's because I am young... but thats exactly my point...I am young! Why should I settle in this teeny-tiny town forever when I know I have the option of moving ANYWHERE and doing anything. I would be very disappointed in myself if I do not make the leap.

The only con to moving to Vegas is there are very few jobs in my professional field...and is it wrong that I am ok with that for now? I hear once you leave the industry it's hard to get back in so I worry that I am throwing my passion and my expensive education away for a year of bartending and thousands of dollars in tips. But its so damn tempting!

I am teetering on the balance beam of what I worked so hard for and what I think will make me happy for a few years. Which do I set aside?

Graduation Vol. 2 & Reason #347 Why I don't want to marry

Flashback: High School Graduation 2006

As if it weren't enough to get patted down and my belongings searched as I enter the high school gym preparing for my high school graduation ceremony (which I might add the roses my mother gave me were also confiscated) here comes the grand photo-op: a time for smiles and laughs as mom and dad squeeze in tight for the "yay I did it" photo....WRONG. I never got said photo. No, no, Mom and Dad are alive and well. Divorced, yes. Civil? Hell no.

I stood there ready for my mom and pop pic when suddenly my step-mom rushes off with my younger brother in a tizzy. Dad follows- equally panicked and I stand there confused as to what is happening. Apparently the thought of a picture with my Mom and Dad was a faux-pas and might as well have been listed in the ten commandments for the reaction it got. This time will be different.

3.5 years later I bust my butt (and my finances) for a lovely piece of paper that says again, "yay- I did it!" But this time its a college degree I will be celebrating- with yet another graduation ceremony- this time I am getting my damn picture. Maybe...

I discussed it with the step-mom who assured me (I should have had her sign a dotted line) that she would be fine with a picture but its my dad who is uncomfortable with the idea of being seen with my mother. They have been divorced for 13 years- slept together at least twice (hence the birth of my older brother and myself) and are BOTH remarried. What is there to be awkward about? I just want a photo with both of my parents- is that too much to ask? I have two photos of my family all together and I was too young to remember either moment. I want a picture of my family- I dared to ask for more but I was quickly returned to the reality that my request was impossible.

Apparently a bbq and cake after the ceremony is too much because father and step-mom and younger half-brother will not be there- once again I have to split my time between my two parentals just like I have been for the past 17 years. I am tired of it. Its stressful and depressing. They do not know what they do to me. They are too caught up in an awkward 2 second moment of smiling for the camera.

Hence my reason #347 of why I do not wish to marry. The sheer awkwardness on my families part at the wedding. Where does everyone sit? Do I have two ceremonies? Do I get some flippin' pictures or are those separate as well? Will photoshop need to be used to fuse a full picture of my family together? Its supposed to my day and my husbands day and even picturing it now makes me too stressed out to bother with a wedding...or marriage...or love.

If I have to go through the constant stress and pressure of pleasing a split irrational family and I hate it why would I welcome a man I love to do the same? No one should have to go through that- especially with my family.

And please do not get me wrong- I love all of my family- I just wish they could get over some issues and love each other- or at least fake a smile so I can get my darn picture.

Love Letters...

I'm sitting here in a pile of extinguished love. Surrounded by words that promised love and forever- but I am much too jaded now to believe either is possible.

It was real- and I had to doubt it. The passion that we shared was unbreakable. It makes me sad to reread these confessions of love and lust and to sit here knowing what I now know and see that what we had was amazing...and to face the sad reality that I will never have a love like this again.

We are no longer the innocent beings we once were- carefree about proclaiming our feelings for one another. Feelings hide in the shadows now- feelings for anything. We must be numb.

Why did nobody warn me that your first love IS the true love and after that expires we must settle for someone who doesn't quite compare but is close enough. This new fellow makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel safe just like my first love...but... somehow its not the same. Why?

It baffles me how the human mind and heart can fall so madly in love- can't imagine life without one another-promise to never change..and then they do. And time goes on and people move on and the love is gone. HOW!? We said forever...I know it happens to everyone (or most people have a similar experience) but why do we do this?

I suppose the French were right when they said, "Love makes the time pass and time makes the love pass"

The love is still there- in the form of pen strokes and buried memories of times where forever did exist. I did believe it. I do believe it. But I let it go for something new - why isn't love refundable?