Rice Bowl Miracle

Yesterday I realized I am comfortably in love. It happened over a bowl of rice, pork fried rice with basil to be exact, and though there wasn't anything particularly life changing about the moment, it was a moment that struck me as real love.

The night before this realization boyfriend and I went to a bars grand re-opening. We'd gone there a few times before, it's a decent bar and we know the bartender so we're kind of obligated to make an appearance every once in while. (Kind of like celebrities but we don't get paid for it and no one cares to take our pictures we arrive....) Anyway, this bar had reinvented itself (how Madonna of them) to be more of a nightclub so we went to check it out. My favorite thing about this bar is it's also a Thai food restaurant and their pork fried rice with basil and 2.5-stars is to die for. So after a few $5 drinks and definitely feeling the drunk munchies, I ordered a plate. I savored a few delicious bites and like a TLC-Hoarder I packed up the rest to go home.  Flash forward to yesterday, I excitedly heat up the leftovers and plan to enjoy the whopping bowl of heavenly rice to myself. Right as I sit down Boyfriend grabs the bowl to help himself to my rice and for the first time ever, I didn't care. This may be a bit cave-woman of me but I'm generally very protective of the food I buy. The fact that I didn't care he had some of my food told me right then and there we are in a real relationship. What's mine is his and I'm kind of OK with that.

I think I try and hold up a wall of indifference to love. I'm not interested in marriage and I struggle to make myself believe I might actually settle down with boyfriend. I'm also indifferent to being single. There's so many jerks, creeps, douche bags and weirdo's out there to deal with I'm a little hesitant to dip my toe into the singles pool. And though I'm overprotective about my food and am not particularly fond of sharing everything, I could see myself getting used to this rice-sharing idea....and maybe more.

The Unsettling Facts of American Life

Congress plans to cut funding from Public Broadcasting AND Planned Parenthood. America's Forecast: Cloudy with a 100% chance of uneducated babies.

Pity Party For One

I'm officially unhappy here. Its time to move.

Cons: Have very few friends. Dislike my job. So Tired of Snow!

Con #1: The few friends I have left in this tiny town I see only on weekends because there's no one else to hang with and there's nothing better to do. Is that what friends become when you have a 9-5 job? Weekend Fillers? I feel awful saying that but we're all so busy during the week the only time we have is but a short break between one hectic week and the next. Make new friends you say? I just don't fit in with these people anymore. I've tried to continue my Friday night ritual of getting crazy at the hottest bar in town, but nowadays I just get annoyed at the lame and rude people that are out and about. There's no where for me to hang out, nothing for me to do, no one who's on the same page in life and I'm starting to get really depressed about that.

Con #2: I used to dislike my job only every once in awhile, but now it's every day. Everyday I hate my job a little more. I'm supposed to be making TV, but that's not what we do here. Not anymore. At the office I'm the secretary, taking care of everyone else's work while they get the credit for it. I'm not doing what I love. I'm wasting my life (not to mention my vision) spending hours and hours of staring at computer screens and writing grant proposals I don't believe in. This is not what I want to do with my life.

Con #3: I grew up in a household that thinks its cold if its below 70-degrees, it's going to be -5 tonight, clearly this is not the place for me. I'm put up with serious winter storms for 3+ years now and its time to get rid of the snow tires and move some place I can be somewhat tan for most of the year. Vegas was a top destination in my "Must Move There List" this time last year, but now I'm setting my sights a little further south. Austin, Texas to be precise. Pros of Austin are infinite compared to living here for another few years.

Screw health insurance and paid holidays, I'm pretty sure they have those in Austin anyway! All I need is a new job, a new house and a cute cowgirl hat and I'll be on my way. Now what do I do with all my winter jackets??

Futon Furtive

Facebook creeping seldom leads me to snooping into my old boyfriends life but today I couldn't help but swoop in for a quick snoop. Obviously the fact I refer to him as my "old boyfriend" verses my "ex-boyfriend" should clue you in that there is a special place for him in my heart. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything--including love. Despite all the awful things we went through and the wretched things we did to one another I will always have a love for that man. Not necessarily a want-to-be-with-him-forever love, but definitely a makes-me-stop-and-reminisce kind of love.

We've both moved on (and apparently moved-in) with our new significant others and even though it's not my place to feel anything about that, I still don't know how to do feel about that. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now, he's been with his for maybe a year, I'm not sure of their exact dating history, I just know it's been about one year since I found out he had a girlfriend. He was living the single party boy life for two years after we split so I knew he must have found someone amazing to make it official. But I didn't realize just how official. Creeping on his Facebook lead me to creep on her Facebook which lead me to read everything posted on her wall. One recent wall post makes note of someone coming to stay with "them" and using "their" futon. If they share a futon, I can only assume they share a residence. This came as a shocking surprise to me and I'm not sure why. I live with my significant other, why wouldn't he live with his?

I guess my emotional confusion stems from the fact that I've prepared myself for each of us to move on in terms of getting new boyfriends and girlfriends but I think I stopped after that mental prep and forgot that with new boyfriends and girlfriends, come all new lives. After the new boyfriend and girlfriend comes the shared apartment, the shared bank account, and then the shared last name. Obviously we've both moved on but it's still a weird feeling to see the once love of your life move on (and move in) without you.

And though I will say I am way cuter, she's still really pretty, and I am happy for them and their futon.

Move Along (and MOVE ON) Lil' Lady!!

It really bothers me when people spend the majority of their conversation talking about the past. It especially bothers me when these people constantly drag my significant other into these conversations. That ONE summer and that one trip, or the one time on that that one night during that ONE summer happened over three years ago. MOVE ON PEOPLE!! I suppose psychologically speaking, that ONE summer is really the only common bond holding their friendship together. But at this point, I'm so tired of hearing about that SUPER-AWESOME-MEGA-AMAZING-HILARIOUS-BAD-ASS-BEST-SUMMER-EVER that I will do whatever it takes to cut that friendship thread to it's death.

I admit I have some jealousy, trust, and probably several other issues going on in this scenario but I've really tried my best to respect the friendship boyfriend has kept with this girl. I sit patiently reading, and listening to, and seeing the memories posted on his and her Facebook page time and time again. Apparently there's been no new developments since that ONE summer.

If you've read my past blogs you'll be well aware of my suspicions with their "friend"ship. This constant talking about the past leads me to believe they are yearning for the past and I don't fit anywhere into that storyline; I'm much too forward-thinking and fabulous to dwell on that ONE summer that was SO awesome.

To Be THAT Girl

Fact: Today is Valentine's Day. Fact: I told my boyfriend I didn't want anything.
Fact: That last fact is true AND false all at the same time.

True, I did tell my boyfriend I didn't want anything for Valentine's Day. And also true, the moment those words came out of my mouth I knew I was lying. It was all an effort to be the cool, carefree girlfriend who doesn't ask for anything, but I'm a fake. I do want something. You see, I'm the girl who always says I don't want anything. Now when I say I don't want anything what I really mean is that I am expecting you to be totally thoughtful on your own and get me something...even though I said I didn't want anything. It's one of those mind games that no woman, or man for that matter, has ever figured out how to win and although we find ourselves playing a losing hand, no woman has given up on the game completely. This game is clearly some sort of failed training device for men but we women refuse to get the hint and end up paying for it in the currency known as: disappointment.

The other side to this lose-lose situation is I'd like to be able to say I want something but I can't be THAT girl. Who wants to be the demanding girlfriend who says exactly what she wants? Though it makes us sound confident and decisive, (and lets be honest it would save a lot of confusion on that man's side), odds are it will come off as bitchy and controlling. And who wants to be that? I would LOVE to say I want flowers and *POOF* there they'd be in a vase on the counter, but if it were really about the flowers and really that politically simple, then heck I'd just go buy myself a bouquet.

The thing is, it's not really about the flowers, or the candies, or the Mercedes Benz parked in my driveway. OK, that last one is just fantasy, I drive a '98 Jetta. But what it's really about is someone thinking that you're special enough to deserve something special. And I want to be THAT girl. The girl my man thinks deserves the world because I'm just that lovely, and because I didn't ask for it. And that's a fact.

Relation-shifts

Relationships are considered by some a job. Others might say that if a relationship is considered a job, you should get out of it immediately. If either is the case, I have a part-time job with my relationship and there's no foreseeable way to get out of it.

Boyfriend and I have almost exact opposite schedules these days. I work from 8a-5p with a class until 7p, and he works from 6p-12a arriving home when I am well into my R.E.M. sleep cycle. A girl needs her beauty rest! The main point here is I'm lucky if I see the guy for more than a 2-hour span. But wait, am I lucky? Is short-sequenced dating the wave of the future? True the lack of time together means we don't bicker as much, but we weren't the type to argue in the first place. And I do find myself perfectly happy to have some alone time to get household chores and projects done but now I've become far too  accustomed to my alone time that I feel impeded when he's around. Being around boyfriend 100% of the time can get annoying and frustrating, but being around boyfriend only 10% of the time is starting to have the same effects.

There's a fine line between too much and too little time together and I'm struggling to find the balance. Has our relation-shift caused a shift in our relationship?