To Be or Not To Be

I don't want to settle for normal but that's all I see myself doing.

I got to thinking about high school last night and how in those days I swore I would be something bigger and better than normal. I was going to rock this world and no one could stop me. I was so ambitious, ready for the world, ready for life. But the older I get the more scared I am to do something outside the box. I like job security, I like having health insurance, I like knowing that on the 10th and 25th of the month there will be money in my bank account. Now that money is only there for a brief moment, but it's there, and thats what matters. What's happened to me? When and why I did suddenly become so content with my 9-to-5 life?

I know I can only truly place the blame on myself but I partially blame it on boyfriend. He's perfectly happy to settle with what he's got and has no intention to search for more. Boyfriend doesn't have the ambition and drive that I thrive on and I worry that he is slowly sucking the ambition out of me. I need someone who will be by my side pushing me and almost competing with me to be better than I was before but I find myself settling for who I am.

Is it better to settle for who we are or to push toward who we want to be?

Shopaholic Anonymous

It dawned on me this morning that I am expecting about eight packages in the mail from various online retailers. Crap. I may have just found myself in the midst of an online shopping addiction. I've become a shopping monster!

Now not to say that I wasn't a shopaholic before this online spree, but it generally takes a lot for me to click "purchase" on my Internet window. There's something about actually going out to the store and touching the product and trying it on if need-be that made me fall in love with shopping in the first place. The whole physicality of shopping is lost when you're surfing the web. All we have to rely on is a photoshopped image and buyer reviews, neither I trust 100%.

So what's my deal? Have Internet reviews suddenly become much more convincing? Have the photoshopped images put me in a purchasing trance? Or am I just trying to cure my insatiable appetite for fashionable "stuff" with some online shopping madness?

Only time and my Visa bill will tell.

Brotherly Love

There is nothing better in my world than a hug from my little brother. It's a sweet little reminder that I am loved. My little brother entered the world of the tween just a few days ago when he turned 12 and even though there will be mood swings and sarcasm and the growing pains everyone experiences, I hope he never gets too cool to give his big sister a hug. :-)

Mistletoe Misery.

I just stumbled upon a Facebook photo of boyfriend and his best girl friend kissing under the mistletoe and my stomach is in knots. Granted the photo is from years ago, I imagine it was taken the Christmas before he met me, but I'm still sick to my stomach and don't know what to do with myself. So I immediately turned on the saddest album I know. The album that reminds me of all the pain relationships have caused and I'm having a private pity party down memory lane reminiscing of times love has hurt me.

I've been Lied to. Cheated on. Called out. Cussed out. Laughed about. And even after all the years of heart repair gone by I still feel worthless. Being cheated on was the one thing I never wanted to happen to me. Being the last one to find out didn't make the experience much better. It makes me forever wonder why I wasn't good enough, why I wasn't worth it, and when it will happen again. Though I lived through it and survived it and know what it feels like, I never want to feel that again and I'm scared to death I will.

The fear suffocates me inside a cocoon filled with insecurities. I'm convinced boyfriend is not really in love with me. Convinced there is something or was something or might in the future be something with this best friend he's kissing under the mistletoe. I don't want to be that girlfriend so I choke the feelings down, tuck them away in the black holes of my heart and let them resurface only when alone.

I pretend I'm cool with the hugs and the "Oh I love yous" and the stories told time-and-time again of "that one summer", the best summer of their lives, the summer they got shit-faced drunk everyday. But it breaks my heart. And seeing the Facebook photos doesn't make the experience much better.

A Good Year

We're less than one week away from the new year and I have to admit I'm getting a little sentimental about 2010. I'm not sure why but I'm always sad to let another year slip away. The New Years celebration is a time of new beginnings; a time where we wipe away our past mistakes (including one night stands) and start anew with a clean slate. It's a time of honestly believing you WILL go to the gym 5 days a week and yet here I am stuffing my face with Christmas candies and wishing for just a few more days of 2010.

I might have some separation issues but apart from all the sludge and drudge of 2010, it was actually a very good year. I graduated; landed myself a real job (vacation days and all!); went to Mexico, Disneyland and Arizona; was selected to pose for Playboy Magazine (though I declined), and even started an IRA. This was a great year and I'm hopeful but afraid of what the new year brings.

As we strap on our party hats and platform heels to welcome 2011 let us not forget how good we had it this year. I plan to pay proper homage to the year 2010 remembering that though at times it felt like the worst year ever, it was filled with some pleasant and unexpected surprises.

Here's to 2010 and viewing our champagne glasses half-full...Now where's that bartender? I need a refill!

Cha-Ching!

I've spent 6 months writing and submitting grant proposals with my coworker/supervisor and so far getting only rejection replies in my inbox. Finally today a bit of good news. The last grant we had floating out in the grant funding universe was just approved for the next round!! We have past hurdle number one and have the A-OK to submit a full grant proposal! HORAY!!!

There is one negative to the situation and that is the fact my coworker/supervisor is getting all the horah and congrats from everyone in the office when I wrote half (if not more) of this grant proposal. I wouldn't mind some recognition for my efforts but I'll just have to be humble. My glory will come. In the mean time, I'll boast my good news to you!

This One's For The Gays

I think it's disgusting that Gays have to fight for marriage rights. And it further irritates me when Bible Thumping Idiots throw religion into the mix. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian gal. I don't often attend Church and I'm not drenched in religious perfection, but I have my beliefs and I believe the people who criticize and harass the Gay population with religion need only look in the mirror to see they are no better than the ones they look down upon.

I'm well aware the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I'm also well aware the Bible says lying, cheating, stealing, adultery and a whole slew of actions is frowned upon; yet we do them everyday without a second thought about it. Why then do we pick at these harmless people who "sin" on a daily basis just like everybody else? Does it make us feel better about our sins? Are we confused and think their "sin" is a bigger, badder, sin than the ones we commit? A sin is a sin, no matter how big or small.

I honestly don't understand what is so horribly wrong about gay marriage. The institution of gay marriage won't even directly impact anyone except for the gays. So why do we care? Why are we so set on halting their happiness? When all is said and done it's up to God to judge our life, sins and all. I suggest we stop worrying about fixing everyone else's life choices and start worrying about our own sin-filled archives.

Lessons Learned

I've officially been graduated from University for one year and a handful of days and what have I learned in that time?

1. I really miss free vacation days.

Spring Break. Thanksgiving Break. Christmas Break. Summer Break. Those were the days I didn't have to use my annual leave or sick days to have some fun. It was just sitting there like a golden brick in my calendar. FREE TIME! I wish I had cashed in on those breaks with my friends and planned more trips than we actually did, but we were poor college students....now we're just poor.

2. I became an Ol' Lady much faster than I had ever anticipated.
If it's past 9 P.M. you can bet money that I'm already in bed. Worse yet by 5 P.M. I'm in my sweatpants and there's a very slim chance I'm getting dolled up to go anywhere if I'm in sweatpants mode. Gone are the days of prefunks and overpowering eyeliner...I hope they are just a temporary absence because I do look good in a short dress and a push-up bra with cocktail in hand.

3. There's nothing for me to put off anymore.
I don’t know you if you’re aware but you’re reading the works of the World’s Best Procrastinator. If an assignment was due Monday morning, I’d be writing it Monday morning (and would even get a decent grade on the final piece). My addiction to procrastinating got so bad, that at times I would have to wait until the last hours possible to get an assignment done. It became a challenge and a thrill to see how close to the due date, due hour, due minute I could take it. I yearn for tasks outside my mundane and obsessive cleaning habits, hence, this blog. Now if only I had a person of power on this thing to push a deadline….is there an app for that?

Sweet Sweet Memory

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the sunset and try to burn the image into my mind like a scar. It's a visual that's too magnificent for a picture to ever understand. I've tried capturing those images on my camera to have frozen in time forever but it's never quite the same. Every time I capture that kind of image it reminds me that the memory is so much sweeter than the real thing. Sometimes I think life is that way.

First kisses, old flames, family holidays, the list goes on and the memories remain so much sweeter than the real thing was or is. There's no way my first kiss was as insanely romantic as my memory tries to frame it. And family holidays are never the superb and joyous occasion they are supposed to be. 

I always feel a lingering holiday tension from trying to make everything perfect for everyone. And every year that tension ends up in a little pile of disappointment right next to the disgarded wrappings and christmas bows of another holiday gone by.

And then I remind myself that the holidays are not the Hallmark cards the retailers force upon you. Nothing goes exactly as planned, nobody has a perfect family or a perfect Christmas and I shouldn't feel bad that mine's not perfect either.  The holidays are what you make them. Stop worrying about reaching the impossible standards of a picture perfect holiday and just let your holiday be what it's going to be.

The memory will be so much sweeter that way.

Privacy Policy

Blogging has opened up a whole new world of communication for me. I can vent, nag, shit-talk, drool or sob over anyone I please with the satisfaction of knowing they probably won't find out. Probably is the key word here folks. You see, I keep my blog secret for a reason. I don't link it to my twitter or facebook account, I don't talk about it, and I don't invite people to read it.

So consider yourself lucky you've stumbled upon my little world!

The reason I hide my blog is the same reason a 10-year-old prepubescent girl hides her diary; it's private!!! I don't want people who know me in person to actually know me, or even worse, think they actually know me because they have access to my thoughts and feelings about life. I also hide it because we all saw how great the "Burn Book" went over in the movie, Mean Girls.

But does hiding my blog mean I'm hiding my true self? Perhaps we have different "selves" that can only be shared with a select special few...or in my case can only be shared with the prestigious internet club called, "People Who Don't Know Me". Feeling special yet?