The List

I'm a planner. It's who I am and it's what I do. Each day I make myself a written list of things to do and feel a sense of accomplishment when a check mark is placed next to an item on the sacred list. My planning process has become somewhat of a foundation (a.k.a. Obsession!) for me and it keeps me stable. Perhaps this stability is actually a sign of a super-anal-control-freak-personality shining through, but I prefer to think of it as a hobby.

I plan out my paycheck weeks before they arrive in my bank account; I'm not heading to Europe for another three weeks yet my bags are packed; and finally because I have nothing else to plan at the moment, I've made a Bucket List.

In no particular order:

1. See the World. Top destinations include: Spain, Africa (Safari!), Galapagos Islands.
2. Be a News Anchor, if only for one day.
3. Get into Politics, and kick some Congressional ass!
4. Work/Volunteer with animals either at the Humane Society or another non-profit organization.
5. Spend one shopping day and not be frugal in the slightest. I'm talking not even check the price tags.
6. Tell my Mother I have a tattoo.

Hmm...perhaps I need a real hobby....I'll put it on my "to do" list.

Retail Therapy....continued...forever. :-)

I made a fabulous purchase today...they were on sale!  

Job Dating Part II

A long time ago in a pre-graduate land far, far, away there was a girl who wrote about job dating. Well my friends, that girl is still here and is starting to feel a little desperate. I'm always applying for new jobs. Partially to stay in the groove of personalized cover letters and resume tweaks, but also because you just never know what opportunity might work out...oh and also because I need a new job stat! But in today's world, job dating is a hard club to get into! Does anyone have a VIP pass I can borrow?

In my original "Job Dating" blog post I rambled on about the ironic similarities between dating and a job. It takes a while to find the right fit and more times than none you're going to end up bitter at the relationship and walk away from the entire emotionally-charged ordeal. If my rants hold any truth what-so-ever, then I am the girl who can't find a job to go out with me...and I don't know why. *insert weekends filled with chick-flicks and chocolates* 

In the entry level graduate job world  I am considered "a catch". I'm a hard worker, I'm smart, I have years of experience, can meet a deadline and I don't think I'm "above" any mundane task. (That really irks me when friends of mine feel they are above a job. Hello!?! If you have no money and have bills to pay, take the lowly job. Heck, flip burgers if you must!!!) 

Pet peeves aside, I really don't understand why I'm not getting any call backs and why the standard employer excuse is, "we've found someone who better fits our qualifications." Pff. Like who? I'd really like to meet a recent graduate with as much experience and ambition as myself. I've worked my entire college career in the industry I was meant for and continue to do so; please tell me who better fits what these employers are looking for?? 

Perhaps the problem is I'm not going up against fellow college-grads. The job pool I'm swimming in is most likely filled with laid-off 20+ year career veterans with families to feed and an infinity of experience. In that competition, I don't stand a chance, but where I go from here? 

I don't mean to be selfish but this is OUR time not yours, you industry guru!! Let us poor recent grads who still have ambition that we'll change the world have the entry level jobs...it's above you anyway. 

(Job) Security Breach

I might be a workaholic but I swear I don't mean to be. The truth of the matter is there are six full time staff members running two (yes two!) television stations and I wonder when our sinking ship will finally give out. I worked a 40-hour week plus a 30-hour weekend and my calendar tells me its not over yet. I have several looming 12+ hour days and though you might think its not the worst thing ever, it really is when you don't get paid for the extra work hours. I call foul but administration prefers to call it "overtime exempt". I hate loopholes.

I know times are still tough and people are working harder than ever to accomplish more than ever but you have to wonder who the hell thinks a television station, and two at that, can realistically survive with only six people to call on for help. Well, apparently someone does because here we are: 6 people, 2 stations and one giant meltdown about to occur. We're completely flailing and I don't know about my coworkers but I'm about to jump ship.

It's not that I don't enjoy the work but when I can never catch up it makes me want to throw my hands up and forget the whole thing. (I don't do well with stress....I become a hermit, and a grumpy one at that.)

I keep telling people that due to looming budget cuts I have no idea if my contract will be renewed, which is a true statement. I'm applying for jobs like a mad woman because of my prior reasoning but also because I can't stand this town or this job anymore. I'm overwhelmed, underpaid and not satisfied enough to grin and bear it for another year, especially when my happiness is on the line.

We just got another project added to our workload and though my coworker tells me, "It's job security for you!" I just don't have the heart to say, "Forget job security, I'm getting out of here!"

I mean really, what is "job security" when work is my prison?

Note(s) to Self

At some point I hope to turn each of these self realizations into individual posts, but for now, I just need to write these "notes to self", decompress, and move forward.

Number 1. I spent the first 22 years of my life bending over backwards to make everyone happy without much success.

Number 2. One year into "not caring what everyone thinks about me" including realizing I can't make everyone happy hasn't gone too well. I don't think I'm very well liked by people these days.

Number 3. It really hurts my feelings when I spend most of today hearing coworkers talk about going out to dinner or having a party at their house tonight and I don't get an invite to either. I'm 5' 10"...there's no way I'm invisible.

Number 4. The older I get, the lonelier I feel.

Number 5. ...Or is it, the older I get, the more I realize I'm lonely.

OK, now it's officially official. I am the last one of my high school girlfriends to not be engaged and to not have a child. Yes, thats right folks, all three of my closest high school gal pals have children and are engaged/married. To be honest, I am really disappointed in how quickly these ladies settled for a regular life.

This marriage and children thing adds another level of distance to our friendship. Though we live far away, our lifestyle choices make it feel like we live on polar ends of the world and I'm not sure we have much in common anymore. They are struggling to pay the rent and I'm jetting off to here, there and everywhere on a whim. I feel guilty telling them about all the fun adventures I'm having when they are living in their parents garages.

I feel blessed that I don't have their lifestyle.
I feel ashamed admitting that I feel blessed to not have their lifestyle.
Why am I the one feeling guilty for having my life in order?

Home is Where?

I spent last weekend in Austin, TX visiting some family and seeing if the location was a contender in the race to find myself a new home. It wasn't. Maybe my expectations were too high or maybe I couldn't mentally transcribe what my expectations were. Whatever the case, I honestly couldn't picture myself living there.

Though I had a great time in Austin, the trip brought on some unexpected blues (and I'm not talking about the music genre). I thought all I needed to be happy was a bigger city where I had people my age to call friends. What I realized in Austin was not only do I need people I can identify with, but now I need a city I can identify with. And sadly, Austin wasn't it. Don't get me wrong, Austin is a fantastic city. There's SOOO much to do (especially compared to where I'm living now) but it's still too small for my great ambitions. I feel like Goldie Locks trying desperately to find where I fit in best but everything right now seems too small or too out of reach....where's my "just right"?

It's difficult knowing I don't quite fit in where I am right now; but it adds a whole new level of difficulty (and depression) when I don't even know where I belong.

And Then He Wrote

I've been secretly hoping my old summer flame turned year-long affair would contact me and yesterday he did. Funny how quickly the feelings return. I'd deleted him off my Facebook in hopes that having no access to his life would make me forget he was in my life. The plan has yet to prove successful as he still crosses my mind almost daily...though not as much as he used to.

And then he wrote.

He asked but one simple question, "You deleted me off FB again???" and I gave him my honest answer that seeing his life via status update and default photo only made me miss him and think about him more than I already do.

And then he replied.

Said I "cross his mind too" but he thought I hated him. I don't hate him and I promptly told him I have no reason to. He's the only man in the past six years that I could have honestly pictured myself being happy with. I can picture marrying him and having children with him and living happily ever after with him.

And that scares the shit out of me.

So I delete him off my Facebook and throw memories of him out of my life for fear that I could be happy.

And that saddens me.

Is it Nap Time yet?

I don't know if it's the weather or a case of post-Vegas withdrawals but I'm feeling down and today is not a day to be feeling that way. I think a good bit stems from the fact I am mentally and physically exhausted, not to mention realizing that boyfriend is equal to an 8-year-old child that I constantly have to clean up after is somewhat depressing. Let's run through my past two weeks and see if perhaps my excuse of being tired could possibly be legit.

Day 1: 14-hour work day.
Day 2: Prep for Vegas. Fly to Vegas. Party in Vegas.
Day 3: VEGAS!
Day 4: More VEGAS...though this time a little hungover. Lunch with cousin. Fly home.
Day 5: Work. Prep for GIANT workday. Entertain House Guest. Try to clean apartment.
Day 6: Work. Prep for GIANT workday. Say Goodbye to Guest. Welcome new House Guest.
Day 7: Take 6a flight to Seattle. Work 19-hours. 10p flight home. Drop by office. In bed by 12:30a.
Day 8: Work at 8a. Work for 10 hours. Home at 6p. Entertain House Guest. Try to clean apartment.
Day 9: Take 6a flight to Seattle. Shop with Mom for most of day. In bed by 11p.
Day 10: Hang with Mom. Catch Ferry. Attend wedding and reception. Shop. Catch Ferry. Home to Moms.
Day 11: Wake at 7a to prepare for Church at 8a. Meet up with Dad at 10a. Spend day on Vashon Island.
Day 12: Up at 6:30a to shower. Head to airport at 7:30a. Flight home. Work 8 hours. Try to go to bed early but decide to clean....

I'm at the point where I need to break down in tears and call it a day but I've still got 4-hours of work and a 2-hour class to get through before I can focus on any "me" time. Cross your fingers I don't completely lose it before then!