To Be or Not To Be

I don't want to settle for normal but that's all I see myself doing.

I got to thinking about high school last night and how in those days I swore I would be something bigger and better than normal. I was going to rock this world and no one could stop me. I was so ambitious, ready for the world, ready for life. But the older I get the more scared I am to do something outside the box. I like job security, I like having health insurance, I like knowing that on the 10th and 25th of the month there will be money in my bank account. Now that money is only there for a brief moment, but it's there, and thats what matters. What's happened to me? When and why I did suddenly become so content with my 9-to-5 life?

I know I can only truly place the blame on myself but I partially blame it on boyfriend. He's perfectly happy to settle with what he's got and has no intention to search for more. Boyfriend doesn't have the ambition and drive that I thrive on and I worry that he is slowly sucking the ambition out of me. I need someone who will be by my side pushing me and almost competing with me to be better than I was before but I find myself settling for who I am.

Is it better to settle for who we are or to push toward who we want to be?

Shopaholic Anonymous

It dawned on me this morning that I am expecting about eight packages in the mail from various online retailers. Crap. I may have just found myself in the midst of an online shopping addiction. I've become a shopping monster!

Now not to say that I wasn't a shopaholic before this online spree, but it generally takes a lot for me to click "purchase" on my Internet window. There's something about actually going out to the store and touching the product and trying it on if need-be that made me fall in love with shopping in the first place. The whole physicality of shopping is lost when you're surfing the web. All we have to rely on is a photoshopped image and buyer reviews, neither I trust 100%.

So what's my deal? Have Internet reviews suddenly become much more convincing? Have the photoshopped images put me in a purchasing trance? Or am I just trying to cure my insatiable appetite for fashionable "stuff" with some online shopping madness?

Only time and my Visa bill will tell.

Brotherly Love

There is nothing better in my world than a hug from my little brother. It's a sweet little reminder that I am loved. My little brother entered the world of the tween just a few days ago when he turned 12 and even though there will be mood swings and sarcasm and the growing pains everyone experiences, I hope he never gets too cool to give his big sister a hug. :-)

Mistletoe Misery.

I just stumbled upon a Facebook photo of boyfriend and his best girl friend kissing under the mistletoe and my stomach is in knots. Granted the photo is from years ago, I imagine it was taken the Christmas before he met me, but I'm still sick to my stomach and don't know what to do with myself. So I immediately turned on the saddest album I know. The album that reminds me of all the pain relationships have caused and I'm having a private pity party down memory lane reminiscing of times love has hurt me.

I've been Lied to. Cheated on. Called out. Cussed out. Laughed about. And even after all the years of heart repair gone by I still feel worthless. Being cheated on was the one thing I never wanted to happen to me. Being the last one to find out didn't make the experience much better. It makes me forever wonder why I wasn't good enough, why I wasn't worth it, and when it will happen again. Though I lived through it and survived it and know what it feels like, I never want to feel that again and I'm scared to death I will.

The fear suffocates me inside a cocoon filled with insecurities. I'm convinced boyfriend is not really in love with me. Convinced there is something or was something or might in the future be something with this best friend he's kissing under the mistletoe. I don't want to be that girlfriend so I choke the feelings down, tuck them away in the black holes of my heart and let them resurface only when alone.

I pretend I'm cool with the hugs and the "Oh I love yous" and the stories told time-and-time again of "that one summer", the best summer of their lives, the summer they got shit-faced drunk everyday. But it breaks my heart. And seeing the Facebook photos doesn't make the experience much better.

A Good Year

We're less than one week away from the new year and I have to admit I'm getting a little sentimental about 2010. I'm not sure why but I'm always sad to let another year slip away. The New Years celebration is a time of new beginnings; a time where we wipe away our past mistakes (including one night stands) and start anew with a clean slate. It's a time of honestly believing you WILL go to the gym 5 days a week and yet here I am stuffing my face with Christmas candies and wishing for just a few more days of 2010.

I might have some separation issues but apart from all the sludge and drudge of 2010, it was actually a very good year. I graduated; landed myself a real job (vacation days and all!); went to Mexico, Disneyland and Arizona; was selected to pose for Playboy Magazine (though I declined), and even started an IRA. This was a great year and I'm hopeful but afraid of what the new year brings.

As we strap on our party hats and platform heels to welcome 2011 let us not forget how good we had it this year. I plan to pay proper homage to the year 2010 remembering that though at times it felt like the worst year ever, it was filled with some pleasant and unexpected surprises.

Here's to 2010 and viewing our champagne glasses half-full...Now where's that bartender? I need a refill!

Cha-Ching!

I've spent 6 months writing and submitting grant proposals with my coworker/supervisor and so far getting only rejection replies in my inbox. Finally today a bit of good news. The last grant we had floating out in the grant funding universe was just approved for the next round!! We have past hurdle number one and have the A-OK to submit a full grant proposal! HORAY!!!

There is one negative to the situation and that is the fact my coworker/supervisor is getting all the horah and congrats from everyone in the office when I wrote half (if not more) of this grant proposal. I wouldn't mind some recognition for my efforts but I'll just have to be humble. My glory will come. In the mean time, I'll boast my good news to you!

This One's For The Gays

I think it's disgusting that Gays have to fight for marriage rights. And it further irritates me when Bible Thumping Idiots throw religion into the mix. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian gal. I don't often attend Church and I'm not drenched in religious perfection, but I have my beliefs and I believe the people who criticize and harass the Gay population with religion need only look in the mirror to see they are no better than the ones they look down upon.

I'm well aware the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I'm also well aware the Bible says lying, cheating, stealing, adultery and a whole slew of actions is frowned upon; yet we do them everyday without a second thought about it. Why then do we pick at these harmless people who "sin" on a daily basis just like everybody else? Does it make us feel better about our sins? Are we confused and think their "sin" is a bigger, badder, sin than the ones we commit? A sin is a sin, no matter how big or small.

I honestly don't understand what is so horribly wrong about gay marriage. The institution of gay marriage won't even directly impact anyone except for the gays. So why do we care? Why are we so set on halting their happiness? When all is said and done it's up to God to judge our life, sins and all. I suggest we stop worrying about fixing everyone else's life choices and start worrying about our own sin-filled archives.

Lessons Learned

I've officially been graduated from University for one year and a handful of days and what have I learned in that time?

1. I really miss free vacation days.

Spring Break. Thanksgiving Break. Christmas Break. Summer Break. Those were the days I didn't have to use my annual leave or sick days to have some fun. It was just sitting there like a golden brick in my calendar. FREE TIME! I wish I had cashed in on those breaks with my friends and planned more trips than we actually did, but we were poor college students....now we're just poor.

2. I became an Ol' Lady much faster than I had ever anticipated.
If it's past 9 P.M. you can bet money that I'm already in bed. Worse yet by 5 P.M. I'm in my sweatpants and there's a very slim chance I'm getting dolled up to go anywhere if I'm in sweatpants mode. Gone are the days of prefunks and overpowering eyeliner...I hope they are just a temporary absence because I do look good in a short dress and a push-up bra with cocktail in hand.

3. There's nothing for me to put off anymore.
I don’t know you if you’re aware but you’re reading the works of the World’s Best Procrastinator. If an assignment was due Monday morning, I’d be writing it Monday morning (and would even get a decent grade on the final piece). My addiction to procrastinating got so bad, that at times I would have to wait until the last hours possible to get an assignment done. It became a challenge and a thrill to see how close to the due date, due hour, due minute I could take it. I yearn for tasks outside my mundane and obsessive cleaning habits, hence, this blog. Now if only I had a person of power on this thing to push a deadline….is there an app for that?

Sweet Sweet Memory

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the sunset and try to burn the image into my mind like a scar. It's a visual that's too magnificent for a picture to ever understand. I've tried capturing those images on my camera to have frozen in time forever but it's never quite the same. Every time I capture that kind of image it reminds me that the memory is so much sweeter than the real thing. Sometimes I think life is that way.

First kisses, old flames, family holidays, the list goes on and the memories remain so much sweeter than the real thing was or is. There's no way my first kiss was as insanely romantic as my memory tries to frame it. And family holidays are never the superb and joyous occasion they are supposed to be. 

I always feel a lingering holiday tension from trying to make everything perfect for everyone. And every year that tension ends up in a little pile of disappointment right next to the disgarded wrappings and christmas bows of another holiday gone by.

And then I remind myself that the holidays are not the Hallmark cards the retailers force upon you. Nothing goes exactly as planned, nobody has a perfect family or a perfect Christmas and I shouldn't feel bad that mine's not perfect either.  The holidays are what you make them. Stop worrying about reaching the impossible standards of a picture perfect holiday and just let your holiday be what it's going to be.

The memory will be so much sweeter that way.

Privacy Policy

Blogging has opened up a whole new world of communication for me. I can vent, nag, shit-talk, drool or sob over anyone I please with the satisfaction of knowing they probably won't find out. Probably is the key word here folks. You see, I keep my blog secret for a reason. I don't link it to my twitter or facebook account, I don't talk about it, and I don't invite people to read it.

So consider yourself lucky you've stumbled upon my little world!

The reason I hide my blog is the same reason a 10-year-old prepubescent girl hides her diary; it's private!!! I don't want people who know me in person to actually know me, or even worse, think they actually know me because they have access to my thoughts and feelings about life. I also hide it because we all saw how great the "Burn Book" went over in the movie, Mean Girls.

But does hiding my blog mean I'm hiding my true self? Perhaps we have different "selves" that can only be shared with a select special few...or in my case can only be shared with the prestigious internet club called, "People Who Don't Know Me". Feeling special yet?

Ring-A-Ding Ding

I think I am getting a ring for Christmas. Not THEE ring...heavens no! I've told boyfriend many times over that if I get THEE ring I will say "no"...unless of course it's the $30K Harry Winston ring that I would do almost anything for, even get married.

I have no objections to getting a ring for Christmas, anything with bling or a 3-inch heel I will accept with a smile. I just worry that it's one step too close to saying "I Do". Even if its not THEE ring the fact that it's A ring symbolizes a lot to others and to myself.

The last ring I received was a promise ring from my first love, boyfriend #1. It was beautiful and I treasured it dearly. When our promise of eternal love to one another didn't work out I gave the ring back. I felt it was better to return his promise of loving me forever than to keep it as a constant reminder of heartache.


A ring is a big gesture, whether of promise or engagement, it is a token of love and commitment between two people. Though I will be able to accept a ring and value the commitment behind it, I fear the meaning of it is tainted from my past.

All I want for Christmas is to let love in.

"E" is for Effort

The past few conversations I've held with my legitimate gal pals always seem to wind back to the topic of friends, or should I say, "friends". It's really disappointing to find yourself the only one reaching out to keep a friendship alive. Its basically fighting a losing war.

Though comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, my gal pals don't see the point of maintaining a relationship when its pretty obvious this "friend" doesn't really care about you. They are simply too busy living their own lives to take a moment out of their day for you. I understand we're all busy, but how long does it take to send a text? I see them on Facebook everyday playing Farmville, can't they spare a moment of photo tagging to check in with someone who is there when they need them? Maybe that's the trouble these days, Facebook has ruined the meaning of "friends". A Facebook friend is someone who is added to your network on a social media website. This "friend" may or may not be someone you know yet we call them "friends".

Every few weeks I try and go through my Facebook friends list and delete people who arn't really my friends. Why would I want them knowing my every status and photo tag when we don't even speak or hang out in person? Last year I got a TON of flack when I deleted some "friends". I actually knew these people but they were clearly uninterested in being my friend. I would invite them to my parties, out to events, anything to include everyone. Yet when they would have parties or a girls night I was always forgotten. I mentioned it a few times but nothing changes so I'd had it and deleted them. They sent me messages calling me out, saying how immature it was to do when days earlier they had cussed me out on facebook for posting a spoiler to a popular tv series....and I'm immature? These people arn't your friends...they just want you on their "friends list" to look popular. A sort of social netowrking survivial strategy if you will.



Now friends arn't all bad, they are there when you need them but if there's no life crisis or epic gossip to share they disappear like gypsies with the East wind. What's happened to friends? Do we honestly not have any concern for anyone but ourselves?


I'm not saying I'm a perfect friend. I often remind myself to call or text a friend if it's a been a while. But suddenly I'm tired of being the one who keep the bonds of a friendship together. I feel like I'm always the one who checks in via text or phone call. I'm the one who writes on their facebook wall to make THEM feel special and what do I get? Nothing but a "Thanks" or a "I'm fine". Not to say I don't appreciate the "thanks" and the "I'm fine"; at least they replied right? That must be a good sign...but what about a "How are you?"or a "What's new?". At least pretend to care about my life.

Did I mention the friends that I do have are the flakiest friends ever? Especially when it comes to committing to an event. If you can't go to an event due to your budget or schedule or just don't want to; please just say NO. I promise I won't be offended. Don't say maybe when you mean no, don't say yes when you mean no, JUST SAY NO when you mean no! Why are we so ashamed to say "NO" to anything or anyone? We are the "YES" generation but that doesn't mean we can't say "NO" from time to time. Maybe it was the whole "Just Say No To Drugs" campaign that ruined it for us. In the beginning we were willing to say no. No to drugs, no to sex, no to skinny jeans...and then one fine day we said, "YES". We gave in and took a try and "Hey wow this *insert whatever you tried* isn't so bad, in fact, it's awesome, I'm going to say YES!" And now we've forgotten how to say no.


I think it's time for me to take a stand and say "NO" to these friends of mine. I'm tired of holding the skimpy remains of our friendship together and thinking it means something to the other person. They are too busy for me and I've finally gotten the hint. It's a waste of my energy and quite frankly, its taking a toll on my emotions and I'm probably better off without them.

friend·ship   [frend-ship] –noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.

I'm not getting the true definition of friendship from these people so I'll take my business elsewhere. For my loyalty and perseverance I get an "E" for effort....but my "friends" get an "F" for fail.

Eat Your Heart Out Martha!

Stuffing? Check.
Potatoes? Check.
Cheesecloth? Random, but, check!
Defrost Turkey? In progress.
3 cups salt? WHAT?!? Who the hell keeps that much salt laying around the kitchen?

After multiple trips to the grocery store to gather the ingredients for a perfect Martha Stewart Thanksgiving meal Martha throws this one at me: 3 cups salt. Seriously, who keeps three cups of salt readily available in their kitchen? Bakers, Chefs and Martha Stewart don't count and anyone outside those genres who has that much salt in their kitchen is clearly having some fast-food withdrawals. Which by the way it took every inch of sanity I had to resist a hot batch of McDonald's fries today, so don't feel too bad you salt lovers, I understand.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be easy squeezy. Turkey. Mashed Potatoes. Gravy. Stuffing. Cranberry Sauce. Rolls. Pumpkin Pie. Maybe even a green bean casserole or fruit salad to boot. Complicated, yes. But if you do a little pre-planning it all comes together to create a perfect meal. Until that 3 cups of salt is called for....

I'd like to think of Thanksgiving dinner as a metaphor for life. You've seen it a million times on TV; it seems so effortless to reach perfection whether it be cooking a plump juicy turkey with all the fixin's or having the perfect life with the perfect man, the perfect job and the perfect child. Now, naturally I prefer perfect shoes but I felt "child" would be more fitting in this situation. Ah, but don't forget the hiccups in life like the 3 cups of salt.

No matter how much we prepare and read the instructions, the manuals, the directions, listen to the advice and the how-to-do-it-betters we can never quite get it right. There's bound to be a step we miss which inevitably takes us two-steps back from where we wanted to be. Now the beauty of this is in some situations we end up somewhere better than where we were heading in the first place.

Unfortunately for me, I'm going to have to strap on my snow boots and equally unfashionable winter layers to trek down the hill and get me some salt!

The Truth About Guilt Trips

Guilt trips might just be the greatest torture device ever invented. And my mother knows it. Several months ago, in an effort to save a few pennies (Yes I may be fabulous, but I'm a bargain hunter 'till the end!) I decided to purchase my flight tickets home for the Christmas holiday. I had spoken to my mother several times regarding the fact I would likely only see her and her new husband for a few hours on Christmas Day and she assured me it would be fine and that she would be busy with his family anyway. LIES!

Mother and I reconfirmed holiday plans the other night and needless to say, she's not okay with them anymore, and I don't know what to do about it. You see, holidays (Christmas especially) are a delicate juggle to please both sides of the parental unit. I'm sure many people struggle with this day. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE--and much too stressful these days when hey, I might have some plans of my own with boyfriend and his family. So I do the best I can and never quite please anyone it seems. Someone will inevitably have something to say to make me feel like a jerk. Don't you just love family?

My plan was to spend December 23-Christmas morning with Dad, step-monster and little brother. Little bro's birthday is the 23rd so I thought I would be a good sister and spend the day with him. Is that so wrong? He also happens to be turning 12, I know at that age Christmas really starts to lose its charm and wonderment so I want to see his last Christmas morning as a quote, unquote; child. Plus the fact I can't even remember the last Christmas I spent with them as I refused to leave my Mother alone on Christmas 'morn so I figured it was their turn. Mom's remarried now, so she won't be alone. I'm free to make plans how I see fit...oh, I was so wrong.

Unfortunately my flight home is on Christmas Day. I did this to also see boyfriend so he wouldn't be alone all Christmas. This leaves me 3-4 hours to see Mom and she's not pleased. She's getting, "The short end of the stick like usual and bah-humbugged, and, why do they see you for three days and I get three hours? That's not fair. Can't you come on Christmas Eve?? Can't you stay longer??"

A. My tickets are booked, it costs $100 to change my flight plans and the flights are full. Plus, like I said, I'm cheap.
B. Her wedding anniversary is the day after Christmas, I don't want to be in their way or watch them be lovey dovey while boyfriend sits alone on Christmas! EW!
C. F-M-L.

This is the woman who last year got married the DAY AFTER Christmas. I was at her beck and call that whole week and not able to even enjoy a moment of my holiday, infact I clearly recall saying, "I'm not doing Christmas next year its too stressful for me." But here I am, buying plane tickets and taking vacation days from work and listening to gripes about how I'm not doing enough.



I booked a trip home for the holidays but missed the small print that said, "FREE GUILT TRIP INCLUDED".

Damn that Weatherman!

The first snow of the season is here. Horay--but two hours into the day and I'm over it. Not to complain, the snow is BEAUTIFUL! I love the light dusting on the trees and I'm dying to bust out my Christmas decor. I did allow myself to listen to Christmas music last night, hmm maybe that's what brought the snow, but I'm determined to wait until after Thanksgiving to pull out the Christmas goods.

I'm also seriously contemplating buying a larger tree this year, espcially since I can get a 6-footer WITH lights for a mere $50 buck-a-roo's at Walmart. Is it trashy to have a Walmart tree?? Walmart clothes, yes. Walmart Christmas decor...the exception?

My point is snow is here and there's more on the way. Snow usually doesn't arrive until after Thanksgiving so I assume its going to be a wild winter just like the weatherman said. Damn him for being right this time!!

Please understand my ideal temperature is 80-degrees. Cold = my version of hell. My only hope is maybe since winter came early, summer will too?? Did I mention the HIGH tempterature next Tuesday is 11-degrees? *Gulp*

Where's My Romeo?

Yesterday I had a horrible thought. Surprisingly the thought stuck with me through this morning; I say surprisingly because lately my attention span has been most closely associated to that of a Nat. I will have a thought and then *whoosh* its gone and I sit frozen trying to remember what that thought was. For some reason I feel like if I stand perfectly still the thought will come back to me as if it had never left...so far my theory has yet to be proven. I digress.

The thought struck me somewhere between the the living room and the bedroom. "Why am I with him?" I gasped at my own thought, ashamed that I would allow myself to think such awful things. The thought opened a flood gate of reasons why I could potentially be better off without him. Yet I stay.

Another thought popped into my little pea brain moments later. "Maybe it's me, not him, that makes me stay." Why do we women stay with certain men when we know, and have been told, we could do better? I'm not saying I am a victim of abuse. I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass before he would ever hurt me. I'm not even saying he is a bad person. He's great. But maybe a little too one-dimensional for me. I need more substance to keep my attention.

I am staying in a relationship with this person who makes me feel....nothing. We have nothing in common except for a shared address. We say the words but there's no passion in them, just emptiness. Where's my Romeo?

In all honesty I like the comfort of it all and that's the problem. It seems a giant pain in the ass to part ways and quite frankly, its a heck of a lot easier to just stay together and bare through the nothingness of it all. Right now in my life there is nothing better out there for me, I partially blame my location. But doesn't economics teach us that its better to have at least something, than nothing?

Maybe I am my own victim of abuse.

stuck between a rock and a laundry pile.

Do you ever make comments that you don't really mean? You know, those off-handed whims of, "You're welcome to stay as long as you want" when what you really mean is, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE I HAVE MOUNTAINS OF LAUNDRY TO TEND TO!".

I was always under the impression that this genre of commentary from gracious hosts should be appreciated but never redeemed. Apparently not everyone is of the same belief. Crap.

Last week, at a bar, drink in hand (which I think should automatically excuse me from responsibility to such outrageous gestures as this) I haphazardly told a friend if she transferred to my town she could live with me and my boyfriend. *Insert giggles and comments of how fun it would be* and that was that. I never for one second thought she would actually take me up on the offer until the next morning when I realized she is exactly the type of person to take me up on that kind of offer.


Flash forward to Monday mornings text inbox; there it was. A text asking if she could move in. So I immediatly did what any sane puesdo-gesturing-host would do; I said, "Of course!" And then made my tall latte a venti...it's going to be a long week.

I talked it over with the boyfriend and landlord. Both parties said they'd be fine with it and boyfriend is stoked that his bills will decline. But the internal me is screaming that this is a B-A-D idea. Three people and a fat cat living in a small, cramped, 2-bedroom apartment does not sound like a good mix. Yes we'd save a little money off rent and utilities but I'm used to the lifestyle I've created with my boyfriend. Our dining table has become a congested landing zone for coats, keys, gum wrappers and spare change; bringing a third party into the mix would throw my whole world out of line!

Why? I'm a neat freak that's why.


If company is coming, my place has to be in perfect order. I hate surprise guests just for that reason. Its taken me awhile to let an unfolded blanket sit out for a day or two in front of boyfriend and if I have a person I barely know living with me I will be in a constant panic to clean. I can't do that to myself. Boyfriend said he would be better about picking up after himself once she moves in but hello!? Why can't he do that for me?

Here's my big fear: I play mommy at work to my three interns who I have to shepherd through life while they're in my office; I play mommy to my cat who relies on me for the basic necessities, attention and the occasional cat treat; I play mommy to my boyfriend who I have to nag for weeks to take out the recycling, who I cook and clean for, who I've applied for jobs for....I can't play mommy to anyone else and thats exactly what would happen in this situation with my needy friend.

I don't even want kids!! How did I get into this mess? Better yet, how do I get out???

Not My Style

My usual Sunday evening Facebook stalking routine caught me a bit off guard--- I am the last of my high school gal pals to remain child-free. Three out of three of my closest adolescent female companions A. have a child or B. are with child. Now for those of us not great at math, this equals 100% of my high school lady posse. The girls that once identified with my fears of first dates, failed exams and sneaking in past curfew are Mothers. Whoa.

I also find myself to be the last woman of the 1987-1988 birth year genre that seems to still believe in the women's movement. We worked so hard to prove we don't need no stinkin' men and here I find I am the only one waving my burning bra in the air. Hello!!!???!!-- INDEPENDANT WOMEN-- where are you??!!?? I look like an idiot out here by myself!

All weekend all I heard out of the mouths of my college grad lady pals was, "When I get married..." or "When we have kids"....Did I miss the love boat memo? We are 22-years-old, what's the flappin' rush? I can't even settle with a Roth IRA account provider what on earth would or could compel me to settle for a spouse or a child? Much less both!! Not to go on too much of a rant here; I know for some people, marriage and motherhood (and the stress and stretch marks that come with it) are a great blessing. Maybe something that a woman might possibly, maybe, potentially be ready for at such a young age. But not me. And here's why:

1. The Settling Factor

Here's my deal with settling down; it's settling. We've spent our whole lives talking ourselves up and learning that we deserve the very best and never to settle. And now here you're telling me you've searched high-and-low, online and off and this is the best you can find? This is the person you're saying, "Yes, you there, you're the best I can get, I'll take you forever, Where do I sign?" ....Really?

2. The Forever Factor

When you get married, or have children, its a FOREVER commitment. Yes, divorce, separation and annexation happen, sadly at alarming rates. But why sign that life contract at 21 or 22? You really have no other plans for yourself? I've heard the reasoning before that, "Well, we're going to be together forever so might-as-well get hitched." I tend to digest that statement as the glass half-empty viewpoint. If you're destined to be together forever, why rush? In today's jaded world it's perfectly acceptable to live together or date forever...so why not wait another few years before you order that 8-tier cake that costs more than your car...maybe a few years down the road forever might not look so great. Wouldn't it be nice to have an escape before its a signed, sealed, delivered life contract?

3. The Selfish Factor

Yes, I am selfish and I deserve it. I spent my childhood listening to my parents; my youth listening to my parents, my friends, my friends parents, my teachers and MTV!! And now here I am, I survived, I am a free bird and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna cash it in for all it's worth. I have plans for myself and I need to take care of those before I can think about anyone else. This is my time. I want a career, I want to see the world, and I want a Chanel bag. And I fear if I don't legitimetly attempt to check those off my list, it will erupt in some horrid mid-life crisis when I am 38 with 3 kids and a failing marriage. I'd rather wait until I'm ready...which brings me to my final point.

4. The Fear Factor
I may never be ready. I am terrified to be married. I am terrified to be a mother. I don't waste time thinking much about either. I have no evidence that love and/or marriage last forever. My parents gave me no happy-couple blueprints and my friends' parents didn't do much better. What examples do I have to follow except for sappy chick-flicks? None. And having children? Forget it. I think I would be much too hard on my child and being disappointed in someone is almost as bad as when someone is disappointed in you. I don't want to be that person. So I am forced to go with the facts here and not get on this merry-go-round of what people think they should do with their lives: graduate high school, graduate college, find a career, find a partner, get hitched, find a house, have a kid(s), devote your life to giving your children a good life....and hope the cycle carries on.

Pardon me as I take the path less traveled. Wish me luck--and give me your address so I can send your wedding/baby gift!

Tip Jar Jargon

Yesterday it dawned on me the tip jar might be the greatest invention ever. The only problem is it's being used in an incorrect manner. Don't get me wrong I'm sure the tip jar is great for boosting employee morale; who doesn't love an extra $5 bucks at the end of the day? On the other hand it could definitely be a bit annoying for the customer who has to stare at the currency abyss that screams "TIP ME YOU A-HOLE!!!" OK so honestly I've never seen a sign quite that bold. Hold it-- google images just proved me wrong--please see below.

And to be honest, the signs that pull guilt trips or try to persuade you with their witty sayings really just make me feel awkward. The kind of awkward that makes you dart your eyes around so as not to make eye contact with the employee expecting to see a tip come out of your penny-pinching fingers.



My point is the tip jar needs to be repurposed. I firmly believe the world would be a better place if we each had a tip jar. Not for monetary compensation (though that would be a bonus) but for our own individual benefit. Think of how nice it would be at the end of the day to go through your tip jar and see the abundance of advice others have bestowed upon you. Undoubtedly you'd have to sift through the advice the get to the good stuff, the stuff that would be of value to you. Kind of like getting rid of the lint and random coat buttons found in an employee's tip jar. It would be a tiny dose of Christmas every day to see what gift of advice is in store for you. And maybe if we used a little of that advice we would find ourselves richer than we ever could have been if it weren't for our tip jars.

Dirty Little Secret

I hate when my boyfriend sprays Fabreeze in the restroom after he, well, you know, does the dirty #2 deed. eeeeeew. I put the Fabreeze in there specifically for that purpose but who knew the combination of "fresh linen" and toxic poo would smell like the shit hit the fan. Pardon my pun.

I never would have guessed that combo would result in such a horribly grotesque essence not to mention it makes it completely obvious what just went down in the bathroom. And then I got to thinking about white lies. They are purposely placed where something stinky is about to ensue. Its the can of convenience that was meant to cover up the ugly truth but does it really hide the stench? Are white lies just like my Fabreeze? Does covering up the truth just make it all the more obvious?

Life At The City Pool

It’s in the hot lazy days of summer that I find myself venturing out to the ol’ city pool. I pack my towel, my eco-friendly reusable water bottle and some SPF 6 and elect to leave my pride at home. Despite my pathetic attempts at the swan dive I never say no to the diving board. It’s the pedestal of beauty on a high-temperature afternoon, the Mecca I simply cannot resist. I can pencil-dive while plugging my nose and work on those tan lines to my hearts content all for a mere $3 admission fee.

There is a momentary Sandlot feel to the city pool that brings a calming sense of nostalgia. Where this sensation comes from I have no idea. I was never an extra in the movie, heck; my childhood town didn’t even have a community pool! But no matter what body of water you find yourself in you will likely run into the usual suspects as represented in that timeless flick. The gang of mangy boys within an inch of hitting puberty, the giggling teeny boppers reapplying tanning lotions and potions every 10 minutes, the lifeguard that is impossible to impress and the odd duck who is frantically saving bugs that kamikaze into the deceiving waters…from past experience that maniac life-saver is usually me.

Its funny I get the sense that all is right in the world when I am surrounded by these clichés. It’s a therapy of sorts I suppose. The clichés assure me that everything is OK because it’s just like what happens in the movies. That’s the warped reality I find myself living. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to perfect my cannon ball.

If Barbie Could Do It...

I have just formally applied to my own job. As I described earlier my employer majorly messed up when they hired me and so I have to be rehired. Which in-turn means I must apply. For my own job. It was rather comical reading the job description as it mirrored what I do each day at work...oh yes thats right, IT IS EXACTLY what I do each day at work! I'll be honest it was kind of flattering that I was the inspiration behind the job description. Almost like being the Mono Lisa but in a much less romantic and lead-free paint kind of way. Did I mention the canvas comes in the form of a internet post?

A little scary too that I had to apply online. Applying online means that the position was opened up (and likely announced on all jobbing sites) to the whole internet universe! EEP! I would literally be blown away if anyone matched up with the job description as perfectly as I did. It would even more so blow my mind if they got the job instead of me. It would be like someone describing a person exactly correct right down to the odd-shaped freckle on their left elbow and then *BAM* deciding it was actually someone else who fit the description better. That would never happen...but then again, I should know better. I mean, I am applying to get my own job back, in what world is that normal?

I am going to pull a "Confident Career Barbie" on this one and say I will definitely get the position/my position back. Barbie would never be phased by this pesky dilemma and nor should I. If I know Barbie as well as my childhood memories allow, Barbie wouldn't fret! Barbie would just resort to one of her back-up careers as a veterinarian or soccer coach or doctor or princess or international pilot or chef. Its nice to see she has so many career alternatives. Hmm...I better buy myself an apron and a spatula...just in case.

Job Dating

Work life was going great! I couldn't ask for anything more except maybe a more comfortable desk chair. Flash forward:Enter H-R




*Crowd boos*



I suppose I can't place all my bitterness upon HR. It was in fact my sleuth detective work that found me in my own predicament. My temporary employee status coupled with benefits, retirement plans and time-slips just wasn't adding up. In all honesty, I only ventured over to HR to collect more information because I REALLLLLY wanted to take courses for $5...a treat reserved only for "REAL" employees. Since I was on a time-slip, apparently I didn't count. Why then was I getting bene's and 401K offers but no sick days, vacation or cheap education? It just didn't make sense. I decided to investigate. What I found was a lot of confusion from anyone I spoke to...either I am a very poor communicator or these people seriously couldn't decipher what my actual question was and/or how to answer it. And then-- the light bulb moment--A HUGE mix-up between H-R, state policy and what my department thought they could do with me.

Blah, blah I will skip the boring state policy details (oh government) and get straight to the point: My employer has to rehire me, BUT, due to the hiring freeze I must be hired under "emergency circumstance" which HR is taking their sweet time deciding if I am worth the hype and worth a continued position. Basically, Friday is my last day and then I play the game where I sit by the phone hoping they'll call. Hmm...this feels oddly like a post-good-date-I-hope-he-liked-me-too ritual than an employment exercise.

Employment is much like dating when it boils down to it: At first your nervous, make small talk, feel each other out. Then you get down to the nitty gritty-your past achievements and future goals. You both decide its a good match and BAM...you're in a relationship. YAY! You're excited, show up early, coordinate cute outfits to impress, its perfect! Fast forward a few months and the pay off just isn't worth it anymore. You've lost interest, your eyes start to wander...and before you know it you're either fired, dumped or take it upon yourself to quit. On to the next one be it man, woman or job. If only we could treat either scenario as simply.

The main point of this rant is to say, yes, I may be out of a job-relationship come Friday BUT my eyes have wandered to new opportunities and I have proven to myself that I am a survivor. You can't ask for a better self-confidence boost than that! BOO-YA current job!!...even though I still have feelings for you and, yes, I would take you back if you would have me.

You know in those psychology courses where your professor rambles on about a "fight or flight" personality? And that only the "fighters" survive...definitely a Darwin-esque theory. Honestly, I always took myself for a "flight" kinda gal. Come Armageddon or Aliens taking over my city or even a relatively small snow-storm...I'm done for. Giving up. Goodbye. I guess I was wrong. Apparently when tough times such as unemployment come around--I'm the first to get in the ring to fight it! This comes to me as a shock for which I still mentally categorize myself as a "flight-er".

As a prelude to my unemployment I've submitted applications for two local businesses currently hiring. Just to be safe. Just in case. To say I tried. To my surprise, BOTH called me back AND set-up interviews. I can't help but be completely satisfied with myself, OK well at least with my resume creating skills, especially in these hard times! It really proves all the hard work I've put in over the years in various jobs does pay off. It also reminds me that while I may be getting dumped by my current job relationship...I still have options.

Officially old enough to give advice....great.

In an effort to generate some good-Karma vibes, I answered a request for help and prepared a little contribution for the Daily Evergreen Newspaper at W-S-U. The paper had asked for contributions from fellow students and Cougar Alumni on advice they would pass down to incoming students (a.k.a. Freshman). I happily prepared my column and sent it in hoping to "make the cut" and get another personal publication in another little paper. Turns out they liked my piece and they liked it a lot! The Editor even wrote to say it was one of the better contributions with a "good voice" and a "fresh take". Now, I know this paper isn't the New York Times by any means, but always nice to get a little confidence booster from THEE editor! Enjoy!

Congrats!

You’ve made it past the land of curfews and dance chaperones! Now that you’re an official Coug, it’s time for some survival guidelines.

First things first: DO NOT wear any form of University of Washington apparel. You will get booed and be publicly humiliated in front of your peers.

Prepare to develop “Cougar Calves”. W-S-U was built on a series of rolling hills and you will hike up these hills all day. Until you earn “Cougar Calf Immunity” your legs will feel like that questionable noodle dish they served in your high school cafeteria. Power-naps are essential to combat this intense leg training. Also, you likely won’t get the opportunity to nap again until you’re about 65…so stock up.

It’s ok if you don’t know what you want to major in. And it’s ok to change your major. Regardless of the salary or job title, or what your parents want you to major in, find something you love, and do that. Talk to your professors. These people are amazing mentors, and most of them are cool with you calling them by their first name.

Procrastination does not work for everyone. I once wrote a 20-page paper in five hours the morning it was due so I really can’t advise much on the matter; but I will tell you cramming all night for an exam does not work. Get sleep. P.S. I got an A- on that paper…but after a good nights rest.

Stock up on warm clothes. I can’t describe to you how impossibly cold it gets here during the winter. Invest in some boots- no, not Uggs, I mean REAL boots- with traction. I am proud to say, thanks to my Napoleon Dynamite-esque boots, I never fell on the ice-ridden sidewalks of W-S-U. You will probably fall at least once. Brace yourself.

You have access to a ton of FREE or nearly free opportunities; use these resources to your advantage. Join a student group, rent movies from the library, seek help from tutors, take the bus, workout or swim at the rec center. Not everybody is so lucky to have these amenities within reach.

Take a lot of pictures but don’t tag yourself in ALL of them. You never know who is creeping on your Facebook profile. Do not attempt to use a fake i.d.. The bar bouncers and cashiers know what’s up. You will get caught. Wait until your 21st birthday to go to bar…it’s worth the wait!

If you choose to engage in the party scene, BE CAREFUL! But know this: Busch Light is the preferred beer of W-S-U. If you’re a dude, always have a five-dollar bill handy. This is the standard cost to attend a party and it generally guarantees you one can of 11-cent beer. A five-dollar bill will also get you a taxi ride home from just about anywhere in Pullman. BYOB is a must. You may notice individuals walking around with backpacks well after school hours; I can assure you most of them are not heading to the library. Learn from these people. Multipurpose your backpack and use it to carry your celebration supplies. Ladies, may I suggest a big purse?

If you eat at the CUB prepare for a long line at Starbucks, Panda Express and Subway. If you’re in a rush, grab something to-go and eat in class. Yes, you can eat in class! *GASP* If you have extra time The Coug has amazing burgers! It’s a bar but minors are allowed to be there until 9pm. *BONUS* You will sound like a badass when you tell your old high-school friends you were at the bar! Late night dining? Don’t trust Jack-In-The-Box. They are not really open 24-hours so plan your appetite accordingly. Dissmore’s, however, IS open 24-hours.



Don’t be afraid to ask for directions, help or advice. We’re all Cougs and we’re all willing to help out however we can. Be courteous to everybody. You’d be surprised at what a small world it is, you will run into these people later in life. Final note: These really are the best years of your life and there’s no better way to spend them than as a COUG!

The Facebook Holy Grail

Update on Facebook drama: She's unblocked me. *Gasp* A "friend-request" is still up for grabs but hey, baby steps! Props to her for baby steps.

Drama Expired

Just enough time for a quick fill-in session of what happened with the Playboy drama and then moving on to greener pastures! Deal?

Where to begin...how about just the highlights? I am really anxious to put this life saga behind me--though nervous about what lies ahead in life! EEK! I guess there's no stopping this party train called Life.

OK so blah, blah, blah you read about me basically feeling irate at my family for their reaction. Mom called me an embarrassment and said Playboy is a form of prostitution so therefore I would be a prostitute if I posed for Playboy. Dad drove five hours to my apartment, got a speeding ticket to boot(now that's dedication!) to convince me to not pose.


And my step mom? Well, she promptly BLOCKED me on Facebook. Not only delete me off her friends list, as I could understand in a moment of rage...but BLOCKED?? And two months later I am still blocked?? Get real. She writes me about my immaturity in all of this but hello? I'm glad she resorted to the old-fashioned middle school action to block me.

I tossed and turned, flipped and flopped, did everything basically but make a decision until the very last second. Yes, I waited until the day before my flight was to ship me off to the glitz and glam of Chicago to DENY Playboy. Am I wrong to be a little proud of myself that my family really didn't have the final say in my decision? I mean yes, I listened to their reasoning and anger and embarrassment over the issue- but ultimately- it was Playboy itself that turned me off. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet in a weird obscure way-- I'm sure if everyone had left them alone to live happily-ever-after they would have eventually decided they really weren't right for one another and parted ways. No damage done.

Long story short- though I gather by now you've realized I tend to venture off in conversation...I denied Playboy because they offered me not nearly as much compensation as I had envisioned. And frankly, I'd feel cheap when someone asks how much I got paid for Playboy and my answer was a dismal amount. Not worth it. I know Playboy means more to me than just a small paycheck but, I do need to respect my worth...especially when I know how much the publication will make off my photo.


Everything worked out with Mom and Dad- we're all cool. Still no word from step-mom. My Dad left a voicemail that I should check-in with her because she was asking about me but pfff...that's not my deal. If she wonders about me, she is more than welcome to contact me. I will not be crawling back to her with apologies or flowers or I'm sorry I ruffled your feathers emails...I certainly do not expect the same from her as she is always above that but I'm tired of making the move. Of being the bigger person. Of setting aside MY dignity to keep her thinking she was right all along.

WHEW--- Finally on to green pastures!!! Yahoo! Warm weather has just arrived. I have a job. I have loads of Costco food in my cupboards and a fat lazy cat. Life is good---but I'm sure I'll find something to complain about.

my failed but honest attempt to explain...

Here is the email I sent to my family yesterday in hopes that they might eventually accept my decision...my Dad is currently driving 5 hours to have a face-to-face chat with me after reading this;

"I wasn’t sure if a phone call or an email would be more appropriate for this conversation- though I would love to tell you this via phone- I felt it might be better for your sake to read this instead so it comes out clearer and so you have time to form a reaction. I am a huge fan of honesty and I did not want to hide this from you, or worse, have you hear it from someone else.

I have always felt that I worked very hard to please my family, sacrificing my happiness at times to make everyone happy, which is what a good person does for their family. I always want to make you proud of me and not ashamed to call me your daughter. I have worked hard to achieve all my goals in life and make you proud but one of these goals, which I will explain here, will definitely cause a stir but as I said, I want to be honest.

As silly or shocking as it may sound, a goal of mine is to be in Playboy. In my opinion, Playboy features beautiful women not in grotesque poses or anything disgusting but, in my opinion, they are tasteful poses/pictures of a woman nude or semi-nude. The body is a beautiful thing in my mind- and contrary to popular American/Victorian cultural beliefs- I have no problem with nudity as long as it is tasteful and not crude. To be included in that group of women I feel would be an honor, it’s the epitome of being a beautiful woman. You can even ask Jillian, her and I have been texting about me posing for Playboy for years now. Though the goal seemed unachievable and I had accepted that it would only be a secret dream of mine never to come to fruition- when Playboy came to WSU to audition girls for their Pac-10 special edition issue in April I thought I at least needed to try out so I can say I gave it a shot. Otherwise I would never know if I could have actually achieved my goal and would forever wonder “What If”. So I tried out.

To my surprise, a few weeks ago I got a phone call that I was selected for the issue. I have spent hours, days, weeks weighing the pros and cons. What this could do to/for my future and if it is the right decision and I have decided that I will pose for Playboy. My biggest concern is my family- as it always is. I am aware that it is likely none of you parental figures approve or are proud of this, as I had hoped you might be. This is a dream of mine, and look, I did it! There are thousands if not hundreds-of-thousands of women who want this and I got the part. Only a few women are selected for each issue each month and they chose me! I am proud of myself for this achievement. I have support from Ande, my friends, my roommate, my mentors and those I confide in, but it is the parental judgment I foresee and that I have already received from Mom, calling me an embarrassment and saying I might get disowned for this by the O’Farrell side, saddens me greatly. I have never known my O’Farrell side to be particularly judgmental or unaccepting but I would do my best to understand my disownment, if this truly were to be the case. This is a dream of mine and to sacrifice it I feel I would forever regret it or hold angst toward the people who took that dream away from me.

I am not asking you to be proud of me, as clearly some of you are not, or even to understand why this would be a dream of someone’s, let alone your own daughter. I am not asking anything of you, just to accept my decision. Ignore it if you wish or reply with whatever you wish to say to me, but I just wanted to be honest with my family. I love you all dearly and I sincerely hope you can live with my decision and not be ashamed to call me family. "

I know they are concerned, disappointed, hurt, upset, lost respect for me, think I am making a HUGE mistake...but I wish they didn't belittle me for the decisions I make.

Bunny Blues...

I hope what I share here is not too personal or too liberal for your taste- but this is MY blog, my thoughts, my opinions- I am well aware there is always a flurry of disagreement in the world. However, please do not scorn me for my choices/potential choices...I have already been burned for this matter but now I seek a release for the pain I am feeling and writing is my chosen outlet. Please just read and digest my point-o'view.

Last month, Playboy magazine was in town to audition college ladies to be in their upcoming speical edition. For several years now I thought it would be somewhat of an honor to be in the magazine which features beautiful women. In my opinion, it is not grotesque or pornographic but rather beautiful, posed, classy (if you will) pictures of nude women. I don't really have a problem with it- but nakedness isn't a huge deal to me as long as its tasteful.

In all honesty I have spent the past several cable bills watching (and DVR-ing) episodes of "The Girls Next Door" and "Kendra". I admire their success. Not idol worship by any means- but in my opinion- they are beautiful women who have made a great success on their looks and talents, please note that while yes they are beautiful, the fact that they've cashed in on this feature also tells me they are smart...I have longed to be similar to these ladies for quite some time. And I did think I had at least a decent shot at this magazine audition. Here's my reasoning: I think I am a beautiful person. Not in the conceited sorority ditzy girl way- I pride myself for not being a self-absorbed woman. I still need confidence boosts from my boyfriend. I appreciate compliments I receive from other and am careful to not let them go to my head so I DON'T end up like one of "those" girls. I work hard for my success. I feel this makes me the perfect candidate to be a "Bunny"....so I auditioned.

To my surprise- I got a call that I was selected to represent my University in Playboy. The photoshoot is next month. I was overjoyed- but the negative reactions from my Mother worried sick that my future will be destroyed by this has me thinking twice- and I haven't even told my Dad yet...she fears for my future opportunities, if I enter politics it will ruin me (which really isn't my plan at the moment though I have a keen interest in the political sphere). That this decision will follow me (not only follow, but haunt me) forever, impact jobs, people I date, hurt my family/embarrass them/have me disinherited...

I was hoping for a more proud/thrilled reaction than what I got. It is certainly not the reactions from parents that is displayed on the E Hollywood Story of these women who also were selected to be in the publication. Apparently I would be an embarrassment to the family--but this is something that I have wanted to do for sometime now- and here it is, in my lap- its become a reality and my family is not/will not be happy for me about it. I always try to make my family proud and this opportunity appears as it will shame them and its a little hard for me to grasp that concept.

I am almost 23-years-old, a bonified adult- but my family still holds a firm grasp over my head. Not in the way you likely picture- no, they do not pay my rent or my bills and no, I do not have a credit card that Daddy pays off for me every month. I am self-supporting. But I still require the support of my family emotionally.

I am not sure if it is best to sacrifice something I think is great and an honor for my families sake...or to sacrifice my families respect for me to pursue a dream of mine. I think this opportunity will not haunt me or ruin me but instead give me a great networking opportunity in the entertainment industry- but if it ruins my family relationships...I am stuck comtemplating its worth in the long-run.

Throwing it away and never knowing if I was right to do so

I am at my multiple relationship crossroads and I have decided to let it go. To let him go. To let us go. Let whatever we were going to be fade into what we call our past and into what we will quickly try to forget about. I will think of it from time-to-time. I will think of HIM from time-to-time...and I will never know if the decision I made to let us go was the right decision. It will be the decision to forever circumvent my brain- but maybe one day- when I have hopefully met my match- these thoughts will go *POOF* and I will never look back. Again, hope is my only sanity.

I am angry with myself for being such a fool. For thinking I had something special with this guy. Actually, we did have something. But we both threw it away. And it's not his fault. Not in one single way. I hope he never feels guilt for this- its my fault. I am with someone else- and I waited too long to make the leap for him. He got impatient and felt like my Plan-B and moved on to make his own plans. And then I went and opened Pandora's box as I playfully asked, "How many ladies since me?" Naive to think the answer would be zero and shocked to hear the truth that he had "relations" (I am channeling Clinton's scandal here as an attempt to be politically correct) with not one...but two other ladies. And not only relations- but relationships. He tried to make a relationship with one of these ladies- though he swears there was nothing there and he couldn't force it- the damage between him and I was done...completed at the very instant he muttered the word, "two".

Not that I have any space here to be upset as I have my own relationship as well. But I was holding out for this guy. Not being physical because it wasn't right. And he wasn't doing the same for me. It makes me feel like a fool for walking around on cloud seven, eight AND nine thinking I had it so good. That we were growing close and blooming a love-- which was quickly tromped on by...well I'm not sure what by...but it has been tromped. Tromped and stomped and I am sad to say, gone.

I am in shutdown mode. I am numb once again to feelings about anything or anyone. The only thing that feels right at this moment is my need to end whatever this man and I were sharing...because it is not the same feeling. It will never be the same feeling. And I do not want to entangle myself in his feelings. I have to let it go. Have to let him go.

It will not make me happy. But it will make him free- and eventually happy. His friends don't approve, his family doesn't approve- I hate that I am proving them right but ending this. I hate it more than anything to give them the satisfaction of knowing they were right. They weren't right. They do not know the feelings I had. Yes it is wrong because I have a significant other already I know that's why they do not approve. It is selfish I know. I hate myself for this. For having no "get out of jail free" card. I have to hurt one of these men. But I wasn't "playing" either as some people like to assume. I am not suave enough for that funny business.

This man that I am letting go- was perfect on paper. Perfect for me. Everything that I want and still want. Maybe letting him go is the best punishment I can give myself for causing this mess. I do not deserve that kind of bliss...not anymore.

Texts From Last Night

Isn't family supposed to support all that you do? Love you no matter what? And no matter how neurotic we may become its family that is obligated to have your back- right?? Apparently my step mother missed the "How to be a Family" guide...

It really hurts me to have to defend my choices to my family. I am 22-years-old, not married, no kids, graduated early, no obscure piercings and yet my family (i.e. STEP Mom) still doubt my decision making abilities?? Such bullshit. And now I am being semi-threatened that my little brother won't get to visit me if I move to a place where I have been wanting to move for a few years now. I did not pack up and move there with the east wind- I have taken a few years and I still want to move there so I think that was pretty damn responsible of me.

Check out this text conversation that broke me down completely after a very long day...I am such a cry baby.

Step Mom: By the way, hated Vegas, cannot stand that many low self-esteem, stupid people all at one time. Sorry but, YUCK!

Girl On The Verge: Well you can just send Sean down to visit me then! :-) Or did he not like it?

Step Mom: Never happen. Your bro said, and I quote, these girls sure don't think much of themselves. U would take a huge plunge off his mountain of perfection.

Girl On The Verge: haha. Well- it's where I'd like to be so he'll just have to love me despite my habitat choices.

Step Mom: Why there? Just curious. and he will love you no matter what.

Girl On The Verge: just something on my to-do list I guess...just really want to be there now while I am young and I can.

Step Mom: Seems like it could lose its appeal pretty quick. Imagine it is a whole lot harder to get out of there than get in.

Girl On The Verge: Well I'm pretty set on giving it a try.

Step Mom: Honey loving you has nothing to do with agreeing with you. Live your life. We'll deal.

Girl On The Verge: I will- just sucks to get belittled by family...or feel belittled.

Step Monster: Never the intention and I think you know I would never do that to you.

Girl On The Verge: Yes. but I mean- i"m not married- have no kids or obscure piercings- I think for a 22-year-old I've made some decent decisions so I don't think I'm too far off with where I'd like to go next. I'm willing to move anywhere but if no job offer by June then I'm heading to Vegas so at least I have a plan for myself and don't get stuck here.

Step Monster: again, we don't have to agree with you to love you. is that belittling? No. Do we think Vegas is a good choice? No. But, you are an adult and you get to make your own choices. pretty straight deal here. You do what you want. WE get to decide to expose Sean to what is appropriate. Easy squeezy.

Girl On The Verge: Cool.


The "WE" bullshit really riled me up. My dad has NEVER said he doesn't agree with any choice I have ever made...and if he does and didn't say anything than that is between him and me and our non-existent relationship that she doesn't need to get into. If it weren't for my little brother who I love dearly- I would leave that half of my family and say to hell with them. Seventeen years of this hearing her opinions...so over it.

And so wrong to shelter your son from your own family- we are not crazies. I am not going to Vegas to become a stripper and get a cocaine addiction. I am a responsible adult who yes, lets loose every once in a while but not THAT loose. Give me a break. If my brother came to visit it's not like I'd take him to the clubs...get real.

It saddens me that my older homosexual brother is not allowed to be himself around my little brother because heaven forbid my little brother see a gay person. And now he will not get to see where his big sister lives because heaven forbid there are some casinos and nightclubs there. So sad. So wrong. So HER.